Bizarre |biˈzär|

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time.

2012-02-01T04:29:00.000-08:00

Decided to blog, taking my rest after drawing 4 hours straight cause I probably won't be able to sleep next Sunday + Monday trying to finish my photoshop project. If I'm done with my drawing work, I could sleep on Tuesday all night long. Why am I explaining this. Anyway. Back ache, but kinda satisfied with my drawing. Too lazy to post everything here, but this is my favourite. *Show off* *face palm* It's not bad for a first trial of pen shading. Waste my ink though.

Moving on. This day is very different from the days I had for the past 10 months? I miss you. i've been a pain in the ass lately, I know. I should learn to control my anger. I don't know what's been bothering me lately. Oh God. What could be sadder than seeing your loved one sad because of you. Okay, should stop blaming on myself.

Hi from JessieBunnyy <3

cao.

WEEK4.

2012-01-30T07:36:00.000-08:00

It's hella fast how times go by! Alright Jess, tell me something I don't know! Now I'm talking to myself. It's already week 4 of my school. It felt so fast. Probably because of the 2 days of Chinese New Year. 2D is the most tiring subject, probably because I invest so much time on it. Thanks to my high standard of self expectation.

I'm supposed to be doing work right now, but really my brain can't function any further. I feel like I've been doing work forever and I just need to sit down, not caring so much and smile :D it's been a long time since I used that emoticon. Of course, I'm growing up, emoticons are for losers who can't express how they're feeling. Just kidding, I love emoticons.

So, this is what I've been doing for 2D. This is simply my design cover. Disgusting gross piece of cheesecake. I wish I could take time and learn photoshop and make nice covers.

I'd like to have a lucid dream, I'd take myself back to 28th March 2011 when I met this guy again and fell for him more and more each time I saw him. I loved him, I love him and I'll love him all the more. Perhaps this is what they call the Dog days are over period, where everything cools off. When, there are times you feel that your special someone somehow or somewhat makes you feel like you're not special to them just because of some stupid events. Okay, I don't like it when people uses their phone like whole damn time when he/she is with another person. And let me make it clear, person, not people. Singular, not plural. As I said before, I've been ignored by my sister, brother and my mom. Thanks to kpop, dota, ipad and work. Perhaps my boyfriend soon to 9gag and blackberry. Oh God, why am I such a egoistic person. Sometimes, these things make me wonder if I'm the one who should also drown myself into these things rather than demanding so much from them to pay attention to me. I'm no attention seeker, I just need some tender loving care. Don't judge me.

I tried books, drawing and others, but none seems to work. oh why God, why. I'm sick feeling left out.

Gotta sleep soon.

salam cherrybelle.

goodnight. I love you.

RESPECT/TIME

2012-01-11T01:40:00.000-08:00

I seriously have to stop having this high expectation of how the orders in life should be. I hate it how I can't accept the fact that (most) Indonesians do not value punctuality and take things for granted. I am, by all means, an Indonesian too. So don't judge me thinking that I judge another country's people way of life. I spent my life in Indonesia for 12 years and growing up for another 5.5 years surrounded by Indonesians who, I suppose, think that people would understand if they are freaking late for 20 minutes because of their "vast and busy" life, or when they say "oh, I can't meet you today, another day?" when you ask them where the heck they are when you're supposed to meet at that particular time. If you can't meet the appointment, you could easily say in advance right? Don't wait until that person ask you first for confirmation. I am frustrated at how they can't respect me for already making time for them and expecting me to understand in return. What do they think? That I'm bloody available every time? No. Don't judge me. Respect my time and I'd respect your behaviour.

But, of course, I'm not trying to be a hypocrite. I am also late at times, but oh please, I'm not such a 'badass' for making another (especially when he/she is alone) for like a thousand years. There was a time too ( which still left me feeling guilty) when I was supposed to meet my boyfriend, but, because I was so bloody tired and wanted to take a 'nap' for a while, I ended up oversleeping and left my boy waiting for me. I was too engrossed in my sleep, thanks to 0 hour of sleep the day before, that I was even immuned to the phone calls and messages from him. Pfftt, feel so bad. But of course there's a thin line of difference. One without a single bit of apology and another with. I don't need so much excuses or explanation (of course I still need it, just not too much), just say sorry and next time, respect my time! They think that it's their right to be late, that it isn't wrong to cancel an appointment and that's what makes some Indonesians behind Singaporean.

Call it prejudice or exaggerated assumption, but this is what I see.

A hug would be nice, but hug my flower with your eyes.

2012-01-05T06:56:00.000-08:00

And the rattlesnake said,
"I wish I had hands so I could hug you like a man."
And then the cactus said,
"Don't you understand, my skin is covered with sharp spikes that'll stab you like a thousand knives. A hug would be nice, but hug my flower with your eyes."

Been a while since I last post a blog with song lyrics, nice one. Anyway, bonjour tout le monde en ma vie!

Today was concluded with a joyful time spent with my favourite pretty girl Jenny. I don't think I've ever told you guys about her, she's a new girlfriend of mine. I think I met her first exactly a year ago after Lasalle's open house. And she's been a virtual friend till school started and a close friend since then. What a blessing.

We went to Orchard today, grabbed dinner and went around. AND we got into Abercrombie & Fitch. I have to say the guys there - hotness. Okay, gross. Some guys looked sweet, to be frank. (And if my boyfriend is reading this : Don't worry beb, as I said, I still haven't found a more handsome one than you, HAHAHA). I practically smelled like I just had an affair with another guy when I went out of the store since the retailer guy was literally spraying the whole room with the perfume. Too much. I said, too much.

So, moving on, you guys must be bored of my constant words all the time, here is a little pictures of mine to entertain you guys.

I love my almost-straight brows, teehee.

Sometimes I just can't believe I still manage to do different expressions in camera even after I cry. Skill.

Today is a good day despite feeling torn for a while earlier. Won't complain much today. Bonsoir from Singapore!

RECKLESS.

2012-01-04T07:56:00.000-08:00

I am, by far, the most reckless person I've ever known in my whole life. No, seriously. To start with, I have to list down series of events where I carelessly do things. In 2005, I lost my phone, my dearest phone after Christms. I think it was Sony Erricson S700i, like the hippest phone on earth. I still don't know why these phone companies love to give codes to phones, and I must say I have to salute handphone retailers who could remember all of those phones code. I mean, look at phones nowadays, especially blackberry. They give names to each type like Dakota, Torch, Gemini. Anyway, back to my list. In 2007, I lost my wallet(S) before and after christmas. Sad, all I wanted for Christmas was my wallets back. Sad. In 2008, I lost my wallet again after Christmas, another sad story. I manage to keep safe my stuff till now, BUT, nevertheless, I still frequently lost my ez links, keys here and there. Like, 5-6 times a year? That's a lot of times, I tell you. And my other recklessness doesn't just end there. In terms of actions, I seem to always trip myself, accidentally spilled something, dropped my phone, accidentally kicked myself like almost twice a day? Those suck my socks. Gee. And just now, I lost 10bucks because I kept it in my pocket where I took out my ez link. Urgh, it's so bothersome. I'm easily bothered by small things, yes, to be honest. 10$ bothers me much because I could have gotten a plate of waffle with a single scoop or 2 of ice cream for myself and my boy. Damn it. 10bucks, 10 freaking dollars, bother me so much. That, that, could get me 4 milk tea with pearl of Gongcha's which equal to my 1 week of bubble tea supply. That 10 dollars could give me a nice movie to watch. That 10 dollars that is equivalent to 70,000 rupiahs could get me 10 packets of RotiBoy. I'm sad, why am I so reckless. I hope my 10$ is in a better hand, haahaa.

bonsoir XX

my new year.

2012-01-01T08:11:00.000-08:00

Hello people, how did you spend your new year's eve? I bet I still have the suckest NYE on earth. I think it's weird when you ask questions, other than the rhetorical ones on blog which does not require any answer. Like, you're supposed to talk about yourself and not caring about other people's cause it's your blog. This is my thought, don't judge me.

Oh, oh.. for those who know me by now, I suppose you know I'm not having a good day. Yes, another new year's eve sleeping but that didn't upset me since that's what I've been doing lately (for the past 4 NYE or so). This has become a ritual for a better year, you guys should try. I'm just kidding. Moving on.

Let's talk about "love" and "relationshit" (you know, cool people use that term for relationship + shit/ relationship x shit / relationship = shit, I don't know which equation describes best the term). So anyway, I had a little argument with my boyfriend. okay, may be not an argument, the word's too strong. Let's just say I had differences over our convictions. You know no matter how much girls don't admit it, they LOVE :
SURPRISES/GIFTS/FLOWERS/FETCHED OR SENT HOME BY A BOY/CHOCOLATES (except me cause I prefer gummy bears)/ETC. My brain is clogged right now.
My boy thinks that those are merely options/ things that gentlemen do, that girls demand as a must to show that he loves her. I AS A GIRL, MUST SAY THAT, I AGREE TO A CERTAIN EXTENT BUT STRONGLY OBJECT THE STATEMENT.

Of course, to be frank, I love surprises, who doesn't right? I think it's sweet when my ex sent me home each time we went out together and that he wouldn't leave my house gate until I got into my house. Or when my boyfriend gave me flowers on our 1st month together that day I was sick. And when my ex gave me a necklace even after we broke up (WTH RIGHT?WTH) Okay, enough with the example, so anyway, the logic is IF THOSE THINGS ARE NOT OPTIONS FOR PEOPLE TO DO, THEN IT WOULDN'T BE SPECIAL. RIGHT? e.g communication. Of course it's a bloody must, but a funny, romantic, loving conversation is always an option to people. Yes? no? The option itself is the one which makes it a special one. AND IT'S NEVER WRONG TO EXPECT SOMEONE YOU LOVE FOR A SPECIAL THING, ISN'T IT? OH, or may be it's wrong. :)

AND WHO SAYS I'M DEMANDING AND NOT GIVING BACK? Was planning to "surprise" my boyfriend by going back to Singapore earlier on Tuesday. BOO, surprised much? Now going back is the least I want to do.

So much for a new year.

Cooking mama.

2011-12-29T06:45:00.000-08:00

I helped out my sister with cooking the other day when she had this cooking session with her friends who happen to come over to our house. They tried to cook spaghetti bolognese, is that how you spell that sauce? So anyway, little did I know that my sister doesn't really have much experience with cooking. Well, not that I have lots of one too, but at least I still got to cook once in a while to save some cash and well, tried to be "romantic" with my boyfriend too by cooking together. The one I had with my boyfriend, I must say, could be concluded as a total failure. We ended up feeling sick because we bought the wrong pasta and it was tasteless. It's weird cause everytime I cook for my sister, she'd complain saying that it's too salty. This one- tasteless. Ouch.

So, anyway, needless to say, I tried to give my sister a hand or two in her cooking frenzy. It was a mess again, I got my fingers a bit burnt and some other yelling from her. And then some little other argument because I was being too sensitive. I don't know why I'm so sensitive. Perhaps it's due to the fact that I seldom criticize someone's work/s so harshly since I always try to see the hard works put into it. Even if it's ugly, I won't say it is, I won't say it's nice either, but I'd try my best to tell her or him on how he can improve on it. Instead of saying "yo, that looks like some shit yo" i'd say, "hey why don't you add some colours to this?" So, no pretty little liar, no? Don't judge me. I don't want to hurt people's feelings.

Thus, therefore, soooooooo.... I'll get quite upset when people say things about my skill e.g cooking, painting, gardening, basically anything that involves quite a great deal of skill. I'm 17, I know I've been raised quite pampered by my parents and have maid to do the cooking for my hole life, well or at least some food court to eat which hinder me from cooking for myself. Saves the trouble. But, as I said earlier, now that I live on my own and that I try to save some bucks, I learn cooking. Not just lately actually, I learn cooking for some time since I was a lot younger. Curiosity kills. To date I could proudly say that I could cook things which could reassure my survival in this old world and I'm learning more. But, but, but, but, criticism and jokes get in the way. This part of my life is called : destructive criticism. Instead of telling me what I could have added or stuff, they tell me things about my cooking and makings jokes out of it and compare to GUYS' cooking. Why God why? What is my goatdamn fault that I have to be compared to guys? Is there a saying that girls must cook nicer than girls because this is supposed to be "our field" kind of thing?

I learn, fags, I say again, I learn. At least I do. I'm not cooking for my living, for now, it's barely for my survival. Or well, my bank account survival. And it's not like you're gonna stuck with my cooking for my whole life that you, you, you fags must make jokes about my cooking. That, makes me feel like I shouldn't even bother learning like some other bitches who are even proud that they can't cook for themselves, not even cooking rice. Oh yeah, may be I shouldn't even bother so that my future husband and sons and daughters would got just to et canned food or mc Donald's, what about that? Sounds like a plan? Gee, I'm so mad now I'm hungry. May be I should cook aglioolio. Oh may be not, cause it'd turn out tasteless! Ha ha, so funny. Okay enough with that sarcasm I'm not going back to my old habit.

I'm just gonna say, it's not easy to cook to y'all. It's not. Especially when you're to cook for others who have different tongue from yours. I like cooking for myself cause i think it's okay, could be improved though, and that I could tolerate with it. And, you dont know how much time I spent watching cooking tutorial in YouTube, it's sad. Sigh. Sorry for calling you fags and bitches for those who feel it's been addressed to you, but I mean it.

Teehee.

Siblings things.

2011-12-26T00:30:00.000-08:00

For some of you who have Older siblings, good for you. While for those of you who have younger siblings and worse, being the first child in the family, good luck to us right? It's never easy to be one.

To be listed, here are some demands and cons of being one :
1. Most of the times, the word "sorry" is most likely said. Not because you're wrong, but because you are the older one. (this applies greatly to situation whereby the younger/more vulnerable-looking party shed a tear)

2. Putting the white flag aka giving up. Yes, what the shit right? Whether the property is yours or not, those bloody toys and whatever things now, iPad iPod iPee iPoo whatever it is, we just seem to give them up to our siblings and they would sneakily give their tongue out as if it's always their right to have them for themselves while, even if those belong to us, our parents would tell us to "share". But of course that wouldn't happen cause they won't share with us and cry and thus situation repeats as stated above in ballet point number one.

3. We tend to be given the most responsibility in the house. I know it isn't bad to be given such , which automatically equals to us being more trusted, but sometimes it just isn't fair to be given those highly expectation and scoldings. This, without some parents realising has made our dearest brothers and sisters rely on us and 'slack' since it's okay for them to do things 'less' and 'worse' then us due to the expectation level. Therefore, of course, makes them try less hard. BUT the pros to this is that you don't get to be compared to them, since if they do better than us, chances we'll get those shameful comparison.

Sad to be us.

Oh boy, of course there's always a reason to why I'm posting this right. Here we go. So my sister is highly addicted to Korean songs or better known as the MIGHTY KPOP because behold people those people apparently manage to catch people's attention at best especially my boyfriend who seems to like some of those pretty flawless long legs girl. Sad to be me. So anyway moving on, my sister doesn't really let me listen to english songs unless I listen it with my earphone or headphone best. Only KPOP in the house. Woohoo, how fun must it be right? Yeah right. Oh well, I could only listen to those like Adele if I want to. But enough from the radio and MTV right? I'm sick enough down to the sickest listening people performing Adele's someone like you all over the place. I know it's good. I listen to it since ages, so enough. But it isn't fair cause she would listen to those loud noisy Korean songs which becomes an irritants to me. Yes I like some of the song cause must admit their songs are catchy but really, they're not the songs I want to listen to for the whole day. Guess what, this has only been a week and I already have my knowledge of KPOP added. Oh yay, hi5 to all y'all KPOP fans out there. I now know how to sing the boys and da Vinci and who else.

Hmm.. Or may be it's just me right? Who knows. This is what happen when your age gap is too small. It's good thing cause you'll end up being like friends, on the contrary you'll probably be assholes to one another :)

I kinda miss my solitude in singapore when I could just listen to my noah and the whale. Sad life. I still feel lonely here. Don't know why. My sister and her KPOP. My brother and his dota. My friends in Jakarta. My boyfriend in Singapore. My parents busy with their job. Sigh. Sad life. Forever alone.

Time to have my solo karaoke with myself. Hallelujah!

WHY SO IN LOVE?

2011-12-07T06:11:00.000-08:00

Yes, question, why are some people so in love with one another? I've seen so much couples posting pictures of them with their lovers on facebook like they'll never see one another again, or like as if they've been together for only a week eventhough they've been somewhat together for like a year or so? Or post "love notes" on one another's wall. Gives me chill when I remember I used to do that too. ERR, RIGHT? tsk, I'm not jealous. I'm perfectly fine with my low profile romance for now I think, haahaa. Sounds funny. Nevertheless, I always think those couples are sweet and I guess they are cherishing every of their moments together. Toss for them.

Got to sleep now, goodnight people. Sweetest dreams to you all. <3 <3 <3

MINDFVCK.

2011-12-06T05:46:00.000-08:00

I'm addicted to meme generator. Teehee.

These memes are dedicated to myself to those times when I ask people "what's the matter?" and they refuse to answer me. #sadlife #foreveralone

Makes me feel like the greatest loser on earth when I'm supposed to be the one who's being "something" in their lives. I'd just be the okay guy. Teehee.

GOODNIGHT!

If you fall, I'd fall harder.

2011-12-03T07:33:00.000-08:00

No, this is definitely not me now. This was.. 3 years ago? My holy camally glorious day when I only weighed 49kg and of course, no pimple. Don't judge me now.

Tomorrow would be the official day of my first encounter with, just to be frank, someone I don't really wish to meet anymore after 1.5 years. Or well, I ever met. I think it would be awkward and sad, to meet someone you really detest, someone you never wish to know, someone you never wish to fall in love with. It's tragic, cause I just don't wish to even think he ever existed in my life when, years ago, he was someone I couldn't live without. Someone who was just... dear to me. Geez, corny right? Doh of course I'm never afraid of falling into him again, never gonna happen. What I'm afraid of is that, I'd hate him again. It still took me till now to forgive him. As cliche as it sounds, it'd probably like a scar that's still on the process of healing. The hurt is already coated with the shitty dry skin, though underneath still read "under progress" kind of thing. And if you happen to touch it, it'd just tear and hurt again. What am I talking about. Oh thank God, He helps me healing it and thank God He sent me my boyfriend. Hee.. :)

Moving on, me and my boy watched videos about the music industry nowadays. Well, you know, illuminati kind of thing and stuff. So much of me wanted to deny that, the singers who use those symbolic and signs were just "randomly" using those, for the sake of being "different" from any other singers. You do notice people like Lady gaga loves to use that hand gesture when she would make a ring O kind of thing by using the fingers? Yes, if you learn more about it, it's actually symbolizing the 666. Well, anti Christ. But when you take a closer look and be more open minded and just curious, you'll start to notice abnormalities and whys. Ahh this starts to give me a chill feeling. Okay, end of story, you guys should check it out yourself. It's running late now, got to sleep. Au revoir, a touts. ;)

status.

2011-11-30T07:30:00.000-08:00

relationship status? doesn't matter so much right? yeah, right.

It's been almost 3 months and we didn't see any reason why we should change our relationship status to "in a relationship". Guess we did not want people to busy-body about us so much. So much for keeping it to ourselves that i began to be reluctant to post our pictures together in facebook. I don't know, perhaps I'm afraid that he doesn't want people to know about us or, I don't want people to think like I'm a bitch when leaning against him or whatever in a picture with him when it is not stated that I'm with anyone. Yes, I think too much about what people would think of me, don't judge me.

Well, of course, I do enjoy this privacy and comfort. Well, everything can happen, like, break up let's say. I won't have to move a muscle to change my relationship status back to single right when we break up? And I won't have to answer so many whys and hows to my break up story, which could make me go to the toilet and pretend to shit for 20 minutes while I cried in the cubicle. Yeah I did that. Sad life. May be my sister would be the one who knows that I pretend to shit cause she knows me best - I only shit for 3 minutes max. Too much to know, I guess.

My bestfriend just changed her facebook relationship status to in a relationship. Of course I'm happy for her. Bet she's never been any happier. You know, it's never corny when you want to tell the world how happy you are to have a lover. Well, I suppose. Cause I always think that, when you refuse to tell the world whom you are with, chances : 1. You want some privacy. 2. You're ashamed of your lover. 3. You're having a backstreet relationship. 4. You're still looking for chances to find a better one. For me, I could only imagine the worst.

VV

2011-11-27T06:04:00.000-08:00

Hi, meet Jason, sweetest boyfriend alive. I don't know why my gum looked so obvious there. Don't judge me.

Anyway, had a day spent with my dad and mom and my sister today. It's been a while. Got ourselves Thai food for dinner and it tastes quite toothsome. Service was extremely pleasant. 4 thumbs up. What happened during our dinner was : Dad, with all-Indonesian's-habbit of looking at other people, looked at the people sitting beside us > Me telling him not to "stare" at them because it's rude. > Dad telling me he was just looking > Me wondering about the society.

You know, Singaporeans, as far as I know and I could say, are generally ignorant people. Or perhaps I should say, not minding so much of people's business. While, on the other hand, Indonesians, they're too busy body about what other people are doing and make it a must list to know what others are up to. It reminds me again of a time when me and my friends were eating at a fast food restaurant when my friends started to "stare" at a child because, I presumed, she was cute. The dad of the baby then looked at my friend saying "What are you staring at my child for?". Seriously, no joke. Don't know why Indonesians have to be so "curious" and Singaporeans have to be so "furious". Ah, people should get a break.

Anyway, the photo with my boy, it's my bookmark for my lesbian novel. What an irony. Yes, Sing You Home is about a lesbian. I'm a christian but you don't have to judge me. The book is about an infertile woman who was desperate about having a baby that her desperate want eventually destroys her marriage. She had the thing to make baby in the laboratory, forgot what it's called, but failed and even cause another miscarriage. After her divorce, the dude husband joined the congregation while the woman caught herself falling in love with a woman, yet, she still wanted the baby and was asking for the dude's permission to use the frozen embryos they didn't use. I haven't finished reading it but of course, the dude would prevent them from getting married because of his belief. You know, prejudice.

I never really know what's my real view about gay people. And don't ask me because you'll think I'm subjective. Why am I talking about this. No offense to anyone. I'm open with anyone's point of view. But this is a very sweet paragraph I read from the book about the perfect match:

'I hear myself saying, "Someone who never has to pretend, and who I never have to pretend around. Someone who's smart, but knows how to laugh at himself. Someone who would listen to a symphony and start to cry, because he understands that music can be too big for words. Someone who knows me better than I know myself. Someone I want to talk to first thing in the morning and last thing at night..'

Such a gross cliche but sweet right? Life.

Adios.

Comeback.

2011-11-26T05:00:00.000-08:00

Quick hi from me.
I don't remember the last time I blogged, but I'm sure not long enough for blogger to give me a "welcome back". I don't quite know either why I decided to blog when I was on the way home just now. Perhaps, after considering what my boyfriend said to me the other day about pouring down my feelings in blog or a diary, that I decided to make a debut comeback in this blog. I tried writing in my diary, like what my Grey Matters class had told me to, to make a collection of my thoughts process and everything else, but I realise my hands couldn't catch up with my thoughts, not when I have this weird automatic on going process of thoughts that always runs on my mind. Though, of course, my ability to pour out my thoughts in blog without much judgements from the people is always limited, but never mind, it still helps to collect my thoughts. That probably explains why I always love to read my old posts. I don't know if I've stated that before but really, it's always very amusing, especially "my bucket list" post. I feel gross at myself for wanting a naval piercing so much. I'd much prefer cheek piercings. Really, no kidding. Bet I'd be gross at myself in the future when I'm reading this post.

Oh by the way, there was this Grey Matters lesson I had weeks ago which made us practise automatic writing. It made us write continuously, just simply everything that's going on to our mind. Not just write actually, I love to make doodles and some comic stuff during that particular lesson and it somehow helped my brain to pour out everything that comes across my mind. Sounds like the obvious, but when think about it again, even like now when we blog, we still think twice about what we're gonna type. We still think about whatever people going to judge your post with, what cool vocabularies you could replace your words with, or may be it's just me. You guys should try.

Life had been very hard on me. To be particular, school. Nothing to be surprised. Think of me as exaggerating, but to be honest, may be only Lasalle people know what I'm going through. It's been always hard. And it's sad to think about my social life. You know, the kind of feeling when people stop asking you out just because you simply keep on rejecting their invitation out? I can't help but to of course, being selective in who I hang out and think of how long I could hang out, now that I have school work to juggle and boyfriend to spend time with. Thank God for holiday, or else I'll really be crazy dead for doing too much non-stop projects. Don't judge me, being in design school's tough.

I'm reading Jodi Picoult's Sing You Home. By far, I'm reading the best 100 pages of a novel. No exaggeration.

Au revoir.

Je suis desolee.

2011-04-04T10:59:00.000-07:00

It's 1 : 11 am and I can't sleep. I feel guilty somehow, well I should be. Sometimes I do realise that my fingers are more evil than my mouth. And that I myself could be more sinister than I could ever seem to be. And yes, I understand that it hurts the people surround me, especially those who did not mean to bring the evil side of me out. And for that, I really want to apologize if I have made some people sad or mad in some ways or another. I am sorry. I'll learn to watch out my words. K thanks bye.

irritance.

2011-04-03T05:12:00.000-07:00

"but if you ask me, the feeling that I'm feeling is overwhelming and oh.. it goes to show there's so much to know" Jason Mraz - Prettiest Friend.

It is indeed an overwhelming feeling <3

Today is Sunday and I don't expect to be this pissed off. Like seriously, I don't understand why some people just don't get what I'm trying to say even when I'm already obvious enough implying that "Dude, get lost, you're irritating". I'm pretty sure I admit their perseverance, or perhaps, they're just plain stupid. To be honest, I get irritated easily over things :

1. Constant nagging, whining, complaining over the same issue again and again. Like, hello, if you don't like your current situation or whatever, then do something about it.

2. Repeated same questions over a short period of time. If you can't pay attention to what I'm saying then please, just don't bother to ask anymore, get it?

3. People who can't be engaged in deep conversation. I don't need you to be some genius from NTU or NUS or Harvard, I wouldn't be able to keep up with that kind of level too anyway, but seriously, don't you read? don't you see the news? don't you listen to the radio? It's 21st century! it's amazing how you can't be bothered by your surrounding when there are like thousands of ways for you to catch up with things around you. I'm honestly tremendously disappointed by people nowadays, especially those of the same age as me. The only thing that they care is their favourite K-Pop idol. I mean, look at the people around you. Gee. I'm not trying to sound like I'm the coolest geek you see, but I just find it irritating when the only thing that people talk about to me are things that are just on the surface. I prefer something deeper :) and more meaningful.

Okay, I think I am the one who's being whiny now. My last whine for the day : Desperate people.

To be really honest, I'm paranoid to desperate people. Especially those who are desperate about their love-lives. They don't seem to understand that there's a thin gap between giving up and desperate. Like, come on.. if she doesn't like you and clearly say it in your face that she only wants to be friends, then stop bugging her. If you don't want to give up and insist that you're gonna be her ROMEO and she's your JULIET, then welcome to the desperate people association. She's just not meant for you. Oh please. Yes, that's what has been happening to me. I don't like desperate guys. No, I hate desperate guys. Okay, I'm done with my complaining. Okay, byeeeeeeeee :D

Mars.

2011-03-18T18:39:00.000-07:00

"So tell me when you hear my heart stop, you're the only one that I know. Tell me when you hear my silence. There's a possibility I wouldn't know" - Possibility - Lykke Li

Yes, it's been pretty ages since I last blog. Was it December? Yes, it's been 3 months, 1/4 year, 90 days. It's been awhile, eh? I'm in Jakarta now having some courses which kept me busy in this way-too-long-holiday. I don't know why I suddenly had an eager to blog, perhaps, as usual, it's merely because I have no one to vent this feeling to or simply because I don't know how to vent this to anyone. So here I am again.

March has always been a roller coaster month for me for the past 5 years? Not to mention the fact that my love-lives with my ex-es had always been revolving around this month. I'm not some astrologist or whatever shit, but I don't believe in coincidence either. I fell in love on March, met the guy on March, got together on March. I don't know about this March, I hope nothing happens. 11 more days left and I really hope nothing's gonna happen. I don't want another drama. I just simply don't want to be 'tied' with a responsibility to please someone else. I'm still enjoying being myself and completely content being alone. My context of alone is single, okay? Not that I'm an emo.

May be I should write the 'letter' like what I did last time, it's easier to tell my stories that happened on March that way, I think.

Dear anyone,

Do you remember when I met you on March? I remember what you wore, I remember what you were doing, I remember almost everything. I didn't fall in love with you straight away, just so you know, but everything springs ever since then. Everything changes. You 'taught' me how it feels to cry, you 'taught' me how it feels to sacrifice by changing myself into someone I don't even know. And last but not least, you 'taught' me the real jealousy and hatred, which I should congratulate you for now cause you had succeeded. Do you remember that Saturday when we were in the bus stop after church? Do you remember what you said to me? I didn't consider that as the most romantic way to ask me to be your girlfriend, but I know it's the most honest words and humblest question someone has ever asked me so far. I didn't enjoy my camp on March because of you. I cried myself to sleep alone because of you. Yes, I'm blaming you. I understand that you were concerned, but the way you acted was just too much. It fucking hurts. The way you texted me, the way you said your "wis, terserah kamu lah", the way you fucking left me alone crying. I won't forget that. Note that. But I remembered smiling and blushing so widely when I received that 3 roses that you asked your friend to buy for me. I always went back to the hotel room so that I could get signal so that I'll be able to text you. I didn't regret doing that. The whole journey wasn't started as a happy one. We were fighting though we were thousands of miles away and it wasn't ended as a happy one either, remembering that we still fought. You sent me and my sister home each time. Before and after we got together. You were always waiting outside the gate till we got inside the door and then you'll leave. I can never forget that. It's the small little things that you did to me that make me fall in love with you. Thank you."

Oh well, feel much better :) Anyway, it isn't for a particular person. It's simply a mix of my stories with different people which happened on March that I will never forget. :)

Signing off, see you world. Au revoir.

All caught up by the eye of the storm.

2010-12-21T15:05:00.000-08:00

So today's Indonesian's day of Mother's Day. Either way, it doesn't really make any difference to me. I don't really give a fucking damn. She's been annoying lately. Raising her voice at me for things that I don't even do wrong. WTF much? No, I'm not unfilial or what, I just don't like it whenever people raise their voices at me when I'm not at fault. I shall just stick to my favourite superpowers - Being invisible or should I say, pretend to be invisible and, being quiet. That way, I won't do anything wrong/ seem to be wrong. Yay.

Been trying to upload my pictures through the computer, but it's been a pain in the ass since I'm not really used to use computer anymore. Mac FTW! So yeah, this blog may be awarded with the most boring blog. Beuh. Signing off.

Hair length.

2010-11-24T21:20:00.000-08:00

I have been asking this question in my mind : "Am I that ugly with short hair?"
Apparently, the answer to that question from my mom is YES. Yes, Jessica, you're one ugly douche bag with short hair which makes your face looks rounder than ever, larger than world like a big fat ass whale which makes the ugliest man on earth beautiful/handsome if compared to you. Alright, I'm exaggerating. My mom didn't say that. She said things indirectly to me like "See, all pretty models have long hair" and I was like "Not all models have long hair. Not all of em are pretty either". Well, I didn't say that of course. I just kept quiet. Tugged myself in the blanket inside my room and sleep myself away. That way, I won't listen to her bugging me all the time.

And please, don't say "Aww, she knows the best for you". You mean, I don't know what makes me confident? What's beautiful without confidence? Tell me. I've been allowing people to destroy my life enough by commenting about how I look every time. I still remember, the very first time when I was in primary school, somebody said to me that my clothes colour didn't match well enough. Since then, I always choose colours safely for my clothes. And thanks to that faggot, I have never tried on many colours for my clothes since I was playing safe. And then, when I went to singapore, somebody said that I dressed like as if I have never changed. In other words, I always dressed in the same clothes all the time. Thanks to her, now I never wear the same set of clothes when I hang out with the same people. And then now, my mom. My hair. My round face. Whatever. I know you must be thinking, why do you even bother with small things? Yes of course I would bother with small things if that's relating to my look. I'm self conscious. I understand I am, way too much.. I just can't help it.

Because they say silence is golden.

2010-11-22T07:02:00.001-08:00

Respect. It's somehow foreign to me. I only get respect from my younger friends. As pathetic as it is, even not all of my younger friends respect me. What do I regard as respect? Willing to listen when I'm talking and simply give me chance to voice out my view. I am seldom respected. Even my younger sibling doesn't really listen to me or give me chance to explain whatever things that I wish to explain to clarify misunderstanding. Somehow, people just refuse to listen to me and that sucks. What's sucker? I don't even dare to fight back those people even when my position is neutral or that my 'authority' is higher than them.

And now, here I am back in my homeland with my family. Now, picture this. If even my younger sibling doesn't respect me, how about those older in the family. So, in conclusion, I'm not respected at all. Whenever I want to say something, they'll fight back and w0n't stop until I'm silenced (In other words, my declaration of giving up/lose the argument even when I don't even intend to argue.) Pathetic, I know. I realise I don't have much voice in the house, that explains why I'm quiet at home/family. No matter what I do to respect them or please them, nothing seems to change a thing in the picture. Oh well, I know people will say, "They're still your family" or whatever, but don't you feel ashamed if you're not even respected by your younger sibling or even your children? It's heart wrecking. I feel so ashamed of myself for not standing up. Instead, what I do is spilling out the resentment in the blog since nobody or less people will even bother to argue with me and pointing out my faults here and there.

Each thing I do seem to be always wrong. Start from even small things like touching my hair, unable to finish my milk and whatever. It's been a long long time since I last wanted to cry everything out and simply just want to be alone. Really. It's been awhile since I last wished that I could be far away from my family and everyone, simply have my solitude.

I can't please everyone, but I can respect anyone who's willing enough to respect me.

p.s sorry for the somber post. I can't help that my darker mood just seems to move to the eclipse of my cherry mood. I'll get better in time, I guess. Numbness is all I need.

FML, no, FYL.

2010-11-15T18:43:00.000-08:00

I went to Botanic Garden and Grand Cathay yesterday with my loves :)

These are pictures taken :

Do you know what pisses me off the most? When people say "FML" all the time and post emotional status with all that kinds of exaggeration. E.g Why is my life full of bitterness?; Could somebody tell me when is my turn to smile?; I'm just a t r a s h in your life; etc. You name it.

You may be thinking, "Oh Jess, you are never in my position, that's why you don't understand!". Of course I know that. We all have different lives. We all breathe, socialize, have some people or things that we are fond of. But at the same time, we undergo different obstacles in life and there are always a reason to it. Tout arrive pour une raison. Everything happens for a reason, dude. Everybody knows that. At some points of times, your life can be just like shit and to be honest, of course I'm all emotional sometimes. I'm a human too. I go through the shits of life. Well, at times I want to vent my anger too, but I won't go to the extent like those people who would bravely confront their true colours and feelings in the facebook status or twitter or BBM. I would rather conceal them and think of the consequences before I post those. Even before I post this, I thought about it. I'm not trying to sound so mature. If I do, I would already fail. I'm only 16, still trying to figure out and decide my future, still immature. And so, before I thought about it again and think, what can I do about it? And if posting that kind of things happen once or twice, I won't mind. But this happens every week? I'll be like, come on! Is your life that suck?

I'm a bad loser when it comes to consoling, why? When I try to entertain people or console people, but it fails, I won't even bother to try again. Perhaps I would, only for the last time. If the people insist to be that way, I'll give up. What's the point? You mourn/groan about it. Complain and cry and whatever that you do. You know that they will not make things better. At times, I feel too that, people refuse to get away from that state because they want to feel the 'satisfaction' of being solely paid attention. Once they feel that 'Okay, nobody cares about my status, should change to the more emotional ones' or 'Yes! He has finally realised that he's hurt me and he begged me enough!' then they would change their status. Weird people. Okay, may be it's just me being a bad loser and sensitive about the emotional ones. I don't know about you. That's why, I try sometimes to entertain the people around me and it fails. I'll end up venting my irritation in the blog like what I'm doing now. I love Blogger, haahaa.

Enough for the complain. If people post FML in their status, I'll say YFYLTTMILJGAD. Lmao. It stands for Yes, Fuck your life to the max in life just go and die :). Just kidding to people who post FML every week or everyday. I still love you! Don't fuck your life, yeah :)

I'm down to one last breath.

2010-11-14T08:41:00.000-08:00

"Everybody's looking for that something.. one thing that makes it all complete.. you find it in strange places, places you never knew it could be.." Flying Without Wings - Westlife.

I went to Clinic today with Linka, Hanhan and Jo. If you have the idiot thoughts or verdicts in your mind, please dismiss it. It's not like we go there to get drunk and act as if we are 'the cool kids' or stuff. We just hang out there, chill and talk about life. It was fun. Enough for me to reflect upon my life and 'love life', and utter most crucially, learn my lesson.

These are some shots taken :

They say experience is a hard teacher. Why? The lesson is always taught after the mistakes that we made. No no, I'm not trying hard or even close to trying to be philosophical here, but that's the ugly truth of life. We made mistakes. We laughed and then we cried. We sang and then we wept. We said "I should have" and "I could have been", but frankly speaking, what's the point of saying those?

We talked about life today. How we wanted to return to the past and undid everything. We just can't, can we? As cliche as it may sound, regret just comes aftermath. And now, being as cliche as I always am, I'm trying hard to change. I'm not going to say those lines again. I'm 16 and I need to grow up. La vie telle qu'elle est. We get our ass from the ground and move on. But never forget to wipe our shits on the ground. Apologize to those you've hurt.. Set your eyes high and far.. But most importantly, forgive yourself..

I forgive myself for being fat, haahaa. I'm gonna work out tomorrow in the morning. I will and must! :)

Adios.

Just put out your cigarette and kiss me on the lips tonight.

2010-11-13T01:03:00.000-08:00

Photo taken in 29/03/2009.

"So I pray for a favour like Ester.. I need Your strength to handle the pressure.. I know there will be a sacrifice, but that's the price.." Who Am I Living For? by Katy Perry.

Two years have passed and I'm finally going to leave this 'home' to whichever place I'd be next year. Since I'm done with my secondary school education, I'd be heading to step up to the Tertiary education - College. I'm hoping to continue in Lasalle. Though lately, my dad is acting as if he doesn't approve the decision I made about going to Lasalle to take fashion design. If, the conditions and situations which I don't wish to be, decides the fate for me to continue somewhere else, then my back up plan would be to continue taking an A level in Junior college. I told you before that I'm not academically intelligent nor have the mega capacity in my brain to contain the informations, however that's the place my dad wants me to be. But, oh well, I'm praying and hoping against hope that my dad will still allow me to take fashion design as my major.

I'm excited, to be exact enthusiastic to leave this 'home'. The place has not been much like a home to me. What's home then? To me, as a corny/cheesy/cliche person I'd say that home, is where I would not worry about being in. Where love has always been there for me like Daughtry says and where I feel peace. Where happiness pours in. This place where I've been living for 2 years have not provided me with the 'qualities' of being a home. I don't feel safe being here. I'm not feeling loved, given the facts that I'm not staying with my family, only with my sister, nor my closed friends. I don't feel happy in this place. There has always been conflicts. Not that I'm suspecting nor pointing arrow at anyone, but I always feel as if the people in this house dislike me. To my dismay, I even once heard them talking about me. About me being inconsiderate or whatever shits they say. I wish I can say this to them that, excuse me? who's inconsiderate that when I was studying in the living room, somebody just turned on the TV and oblivious to the fact that I was there? It's not that I'm being bossy that I forbad people to watch TV, no. But there's a paper in written clearly that there is to be no TV turned on when somebody is studying in the living room, by the guardian himself. And whatever shits happened in the house, I won't give a fuck to bother any longer. Though at times I'm worried since my sister will still be staying here for another 1 year.

Oh well, time to forgive. I won't, I hope, see them anymore anyway. I'll miss my sister.

This is my room.

For those who are bored/have nothing to do/like history you may wish to continue, but if you don't, I suggest don't cause I'll be talking greek for the next 5 minutes or so.

I was and am addicted to French history lately that I've spent around 9 hours since my very last blog post, reading and watching about the French Revolution and Napoleon Bonaparte. At least I'm now not a noob not understanding anything about one of the most significant moment that happened in the 18th century. I love to understand and study and learn about how and why people act in certain way that made them be somebody that people don't expect them to be. Movie like pretty much huh? But that's what actually happening in the world.. I used to watch many biographies about Serial Killers (call me a freak as you want) and from what I observe, they pretty much have the same personalities or background or their mental health or in unusual case, they're just being random in killing like Eileen Wuornos. Well may be she doesn't to people, but killing dudes on the streets because, as she said, will help protect the women out there from being raped or whatsoever, isn't that, random? Well, you choose. However, they have one thing in common, they become obsessed with killing and just can't stop killing. In the French history, from what I observe, the people who cause/were involved in the French revolution were simply doing things, whatever it takes which includes the blood sheds of people, to get what they want. What amazes me most was how they build their buildings and architecture. In that kind of times, I wouldn't expect people to be so smart and creative in building them. In addition, they didn't have that much technologies like the building of Eiffel Tower which took only 22 months unlike the cathredal in Notre-dame which took 200 centuries. Can you imagine that? And it makes me ponder, if there have not been wars and these kind of things, how much the world population would be? Would life be different? Certainly yes.

OLO.

2010-11-12T06:22:00.000-08:00

"Olo!"

"It's Hello"

"Oh, Hello!"

Sorry for being such a douche bag for being a spoiler if you haven't watched Megamind yet. It's a nice show, for me. Despite the cliche lesson that; What you are destined as is never determined by what you are born as, but by what you choose to be. Something like that. Despicable Me is still unbeatable though. :)

Today is 12/11/2010. The day I've been counting down since January this year - The end of O Level, the day of my sovereignty, the day I can finally appreciate the beauty of life.. the blue sky, the warm sunshine, okay, I'm exaggerating. I want to take this time anyway to express my deepest gratitude to the people around me who have been supportive and understanding and encouraging and even those who are underestimating me in any way! I have done my very best. When January come and my hardworks will be paid off, I'd surely celebrate with you all virtually or in whatever way. To the O level-ers, let's get a toss! :)

I went out with Sidney and Yuenling today to ECP. Well, the other day I was having problem with them, but oh well, they're still friends of mine. Perhaps forgiving made everything alright this time around.

We cycled, buried ourselves with the sands, took lots of pictures, slept, made a huge turtle out of sand, ate, ate again, ate again. Screw fats and tan. I'll get it straight. I'm not like those bitches who are "AWWW, I DON'T WANNA GET TANNED!" or "I DON'T WANNA DO SPORT, I DON'T WANNA HAVE MUSCLE". Screw them, tell them get a life. Especially Indonesians who just stay indoor doing nothing/ simply shop around town wasting their mothers' money. I don't have a problem having a tan, but the thing about my skin is 1. It's kind of sensitive. 2. My mom being my mom will scold me. OH WELL.

Some pictures:

"All the things I still remember.. Summers never look the same.. Years go by and times just seem to fly, but the memory remains.." - September by Daughtry.

Parallel universe.

2010-11-10T02:22:00.000-08:00

These are some shots taken throughout the year that I found in my sister's laptop. I kind of feel that I've been living the most this year. Though there have been so much dramas going on, I'm happy :)

Photos taken a while ago. I am fat okay I understand. Geez. I want to lose weight, desperately. I want to do many kinds of sports like archery or perhaps horse riding? Isn't it boring to do only things that are within the 'comfortable zone'? For me, it's hell boring. Despite the fact that I take pleasure in running long distance, I still feel that it's getting boring, especially the fact that I'm only fighting with myself not to will myself into fatigue. Oh well. Any idea? I miss diving so much. Too much that I could cry whenever I see the sea. Okay, may be that's a little too much for an exaggeration, but truly I really wish I'm allowed to dive :( Next year! Next year!

That's my new heart necklace, whheeee, love it so muchhh. :) And that's my sister sleeping :P

Adios!

A flight risk with a fear of falling.

2010-11-09T07:10:00.000-08:00

Hi human beings! Kiss Kiss from me with my sexy lips. :>

Yes, I am in a good mood. There is no question about it. I myself don't really know exactly why I'm in attached to the cathode! Okay, I should stop talking greek. Chemistry is almost over. Almost. 40 more questions and I'm done with every single shit. Yepee!

Anyway, I don't know how to vent my feelings right now. I miss someone I should not even miss. You know the kind of feeling when you want to sneeze but you don't? My feeling is sorta that way somehow. I know there isn't a link to sneezing, but the feeling of wanting something/someone/anything to happen but you can't force it? That's exactly how I'm feeling right now. Sigh. I never knew that, even after years, someone is still a part of me no matter what. Well well. Forget about it.

Regarding the first few pics, I went to have an experience of Via Ferrata in BorderX! I know you must be thinking, why the hell did you even think of going to such thing? The story went this way : I was in the mrt passing the norm scenery, that is - bedok market, forest in Tanah Merah and ITE in Simei. And after the long 2 years, a glimpse of rock climb in ITE caught my attention a week ago and I was thinking "Hey, may be I should give it a try!". So I called my friend and blah blah and I ended up going with Magnus! :) We climbed for around 4 floors? When I first saw the height, I was like "wtf? 38bucks like this only?" well of course I only said it inside my heart. It was said to be the highest Indoor Via Ferrata in the world. I'm not sure, but to you who are bored with life/ love to underestimate climber/ too rich or random just like me, try it! It's kind of pricey, but experience and fun comes with a price! :)

BorderX is in Orchard Central L4. Book beforehand! You can always google it and contact the dude. And make sure come with an extra cloth and your mental prepared and yourself! I'm going to try the rock climbing too probably. Let's see how :)

Be prepared to be sick of my face :) slash you can scroll to the bottom slash close the window slash enjoy my photos. :)

See you!

Is there any kind soul?

2010-10-31T18:26:00.000-07:00

Any kind soul willing to buy me a Doc Martens White Denzel Strap? *wink wink*

I miss my twitter. Okay, I already promise myself to reactivate/make a new account after exam/ whenever I want some time later. I want and I need to go shopping. Life's kinda boring sitting in front of laptop all day long, don't you think so? Oh well, may be not to some people, but to me, it's hell boring. It just doesn't hurt my eyes, but also break my neck. Urgh. Guess I'm aging.

Speaking of computer and stuff, have you ever wondered how many hours of your life have been spent dedicated to this laptop/computer/any devices that brings you to virtual life? I did and somehow, I kind of regret to spend too much time on it when I could have spent it for so much more things : go to the beach, play my hobby - bowling, jogging, sudoku ,and most critically, spend time with the loved ones. I'm not trying to be cheesy or whatever shit here, but think about it again. I asked my sister yesterday how many dramas has she watched this year and she answered 20. I was expecting for only 7/8/9 and of course her answer dropped my jaw. 20? is she nuts? She even said that "it wasn't that many". So how many dramas is many?

Let's do some calculation here :

1 drama = more or less 16 episodes (I assume)

1 episode = 1 hour

1 drama = 16 hours

20 dramas = 320 hours?@?#>$"^#:

wth?

how many days is that? how much time can you spend that with your friends? do the stuff that you'll never be able to do when you're ... dying?

No no no, I'm not dying. I'm mad healthy woman. Though I kind of fell sick days ago. Okay, back to the topic. I also asked my room mate, Abby, that if her laptop is taken away from her, what would she be doing now? And her answer is : playing her Blackberry. I was like -_-" <- how do you describe this emoticon? Been dying to describe this. Anywayyyyyy, yes, I find generation nowadays so thankful of whoever find this thing called internet and also this laptop and stuff. Thanks to Steve Jobs too that I'm crazy downloading songs. Well, may be not everyday, but I've been trying to cut down on using my laptop and probably, spend more time reading? and probably disturbing my sister? I realise there's so much more things to do when we think about it time and again. Though, ALTHOUGH, yes I realise, not having these things can be such a dreadful boring day, but, perhaps we can try to cut down. Have fun in the "real" world and do things that you want to do besides anything that merely relates to computer/laptop/internet/youtube/facebook/twitter/blog.

I'm going to rock climb with my friend some time later! wheee, so excited! This is one of the thing that I want to do beside sitting in front of laptop. And perhaps, I'm gonna learn archery! I've got so many things I want to learn cause I always admire people, especially girls, who can do so much sports and most importantly too, have the brain and are independent. Cantankerous girls who nag so much and complain at almost anything (e.g my hair sucks, the sun is so hot, the teacher is so talkative, my nail breaks, my skin is so dry, my shirt is so ugly) or whatever seriously makes me want to punch them at the face. Stop nagging and do something about it.

Okay, I shall stop blogging and get ready for school and cut down on the usage of computer!

Adios, bunnies!

Korean Freak?

2010-10-29T02:48:00.000-07:00

As you may realise/have long realised, some people are just turning into some you call it K-POP freak or whatever. Omg, jang kim sook is blah blah. Kim Tae Boo is so cute. As if the only thing that you listen out of people's mouth is kimchi. Alright, I'm lame.

Personally, I have to say that I'm kind of neutral. Surprised? Though sometimes I love to exaggerate to people saying that I like this Korean dood or the others or whoever it is who has Korean "aura", I have to say that I'm still normal. Yes, I listen to their songs. Yes, I understand a little bit of Korean. Yes, I watch TaeYang over and over again. Yes, I will look at people who mention/talk/discuss/converse about K-POP. Yes, I will talk to people about it. But honestly, what is wrong with it?

Of course I listen to english songs even Justin Bieber. That dude occupied 6 places in my most 25 played songs playlist. No, no, I'm not gay. I'm even blogging now while waiting for shanedawsontv to load. Of course I listen to cooler than me, or or take it off. At the same time, I also listen to Shinee, Big Bang too. AND IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH IT?

TO BE HONEST, I hate it when people say "What is so nice about those plastic barbies singing weird songs?" Yes, yes, I understand they undergo so many cuts for their faces and I don't really care that much. As long as they can sing, dance, entertain me, their jobs are done. What's their jobs at the first place? Entertaining right? But please, don't stereotype them. Stop giving the disgusted look when you listen to these girls screaming or liking their idols. Or when people simply listen to something they don't even understand? If it's your preference to like/love to listen to songs that have meanings or lyrics that you understand, then let it be you. Let them be them. Is there something wrong with it? No, right? Each and everyone has their own preference. Why do they all have to be like you?

And to those with little kens about these Koreans, just stop judging that they are gays. They are not. I myself don't understand why these Korean doods are pretty and kind of, ottoman? but may be that's how the Korean entertainment market.

However, at the same time too, I want to talk about OBSESSION.

I have so many, in fact, way too many people who come to the point of being - obsessed. They dress up, cut their hair, do their hair, make up, talk, walk, sing like the ones they like. Cut the story short - they idolize them. Even some go to the extent that their idols slowly become THEIR GODS? Hey, come on. Everybody is pretty or handsome or talented just the way they are. If you're an Indonesian, then be proud to be one. If you're Singaporean, be grateful to be one. If you're whatever you are, embrace the fact that you are one! Don't be the same like the others. I know and understand well that they are pretty, talented, smart, cute or whatever it is, but then again, so what?

Some say that you're amazing just the way you are

so why are you trying so hard to be other?

HAAHAA you are so funny. Not.

2010-10-27T06:21:00.000-07:00

What kind of a friend who would say that she wants you to live poor?
What kind of a friend who would say that she wants your home or hometown to be swiped away by a tsunami?
What kind of a friend who would say that she wants your parents to die?

Wait a second, it's a joke?
HAAAHAAHAAAHAHAHAHHAHAA, omg, so funny. Yeah, right.

Which part of the joke should I laugh at? Is it funny to see your best friend's parents die? Oh, you wish that they will die so that I will become poor?

I'm sorry? EXCUSE ME? IS THAT EVEN A JOKE?

Hello?

There is a thick bold line between a joke and that kind of wish. Oh okay, I'm sorry, I suppose I'm not even your best friend. Right? A best friend would not wish that kind of stuff nor say such thing. I'm sorry for claiming you to be my best friend all this while. And FYI,

IT'S NOT MY FAULT IF I'M BORN IN A SLIGHTLY BETTER OFF FAMILY.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT IF MY PARENTS WORK THEIR SWEAT OFF LIKE MAD AND EARN MORE MONEY.
AND IT'S NOT MY FAULT IF IN THE FUTURE, I GET A BETTER RESULT, I FIND A NICHE THAT EARNS ME A LIVING IN ABUNDANCE AND HAVE A BETTER LIFE AND HAVE CHILDREN WHO WILL BE BORN IN A "SLIGHTLY ABOVE AVERAGE" FAMILY.

And yes, people come and go. Only help when you are willing to. Say no if you don't feel like doing a favour to your friend. Especially if that favour is so important to her. I learn my lesson : not to depend on a "friend" too much.

Friends forever? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
Okay, it's time for me to joke.

"OMG, I HOPE SINGAPORE GOT MASSIVE EARTHQUAKE SO EVERYBODY DIE! INCLUDING YOUR PARENTS. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. AM I NOT FUNNY?"
<3

Only the first alphabet please.

2010-10-26T07:24:00.000-07:00

"Embrace life appreciate the fact you even breathing. Cuz we in the crosshairs and it's open season. If each one teachs one we got a good start. Your not a square cuz you care and have a good heart. We gotta speak soft, And listen harder. Its right in front of our face but we don't even bother...I be like my generations complaining about things that we don't have, but if you think about it we ain't got it so bad.Trust me I know bad, And I met worst and it'd be so sad, to sit it and let it get worst. It's a simple concept we need to grasp quickly before we end up wishing we did something differently.So go and spread the word, And not the virus..C'mon lets get together try and put this all behind us..."

One at A Time - Travie McCoy.

Alright, I notice my blog has been getting all dull lately. No pictures, no colour just plain words. That's why I made the effort to make it more lively by transferring all my pictures from my blackberry to the laptop. It's funny that I realise most of my pictures are stupid things that, at the same time, shows how colourful my life has been all this while. I mean, can't you see all the good food, stupid drawings and stuff that I actually ate/did/drew/blah blah, they are the small little things that give a tune to the lyrics of my life. Alright, sounds so cheesy. Basically, these are the things/food/people I love (no, not the dead bird). Now you know how much I love AnnoyingOrange, right? And I don't know why the pictures become so small.. Help?

Anyway, I know this is exam period, but I simply want to take a little time to reflect on the things that have been going on lately.

First of, I know in my previous post I've been all emotional lately. All thanks to the monthly uphill battle that I have to face every month that made me that way, but seriously, frankly speaking, I just don't get why people can't stop judging others. I understand well that what you said/wrote reflect vividly what kind of person you are, but this is me, why do you have to bother so much? Thanks for your concern and understanding, but I still need time to change what I want to change first before I change for others. Period.

Second, I encountered another petrifying moment in my life. I was in the library just now, alone. And as soon as I sat down, a very kindly looking lady in the librarian uniform approached me. She said something to me, but I couldn't really hear her that well. Plus, I don't even understand what she was talking. She asked me to move aside for awhile to talk to her and politely she warned me to sit properly (since I was in my uniform skirt). It was not that I was not sitting properly nor my skirt was too short, but it was because the library had suspected a dude sitting behind the shelf, alright, I'm too tired to describe. This is how more or less the seating arrangement was:

O <- the pervert dude sitting down.

_____________________

l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l <- shelf

_____________________

O O

_____________________

table

_____________________

O O O <- me

which equals to me sitting right in front of him where, the librarian suspected, looked through the peephole through the bookshelf to satisfy all his 'earthly needs' by looking 'you-know-what'. I was like, "...." wtf, go and die dude. And thankfully, the security and some police were also patronizing around to make sure everything is alright or probably, to catch him off guard while he cikopeh-ing. No, he didn't look at any part of mine. If he did, I swear I would have crushed his balls. Sick.

I just don't get why people would go to a really unrealistic extent to get what they want.

Let's show, not tell.

2010-10-20T09:54:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I'm reaching out for you

I'm just so fucking depressed
I just can't seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump

I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
And in order for me to pick the mic back up

I don't know how or why or when
I ended up this position I'm in
I'm starting to feel dissin' again
So I decided just to pick this pen

Up and try to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit
Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet

And I know some shit's so hard to swallow
But I can't just sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow but I know one fact
I'll be one tough act to follow

One tough act to follow
I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you'd have to walk a thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others' minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others' eyes

Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything's so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check
The temperature of the room

Just as soon as I walk in, it's like all eyes on me
And so I try to avoid any eye contact
'Cause if I do that then it opens the door
For conversation, like I want that

I'm not looking for extra attention
I just wanna be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom

I don't need no fucking man servant
Trying to follow me around and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of 'em ain't even funny like

Ha! Marshall you're so funny man
You should be a comedian, god damn!"
Unfortunately I am
I just hide behind the tears of a clown

So why don't you all sit down
Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes
And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others eyes

Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves
And flip 'em, don't expect no help

Now I could've either just sat on my ass
And pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own

I was never the type of kid
To wait by the door and pack his bags
I sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did

I just wanted to fit in
Every single place, every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid

And Edna always told me
Keep making that face and it'll get stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standing there
Holding my tongue tryna talk like that

'Til I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign pole
At 8 years old
I learned my lesson then
'Cause I wasn't trying to impress my friends no more

But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
'Cause where you see it, from where you're sittin
It's probably 110% different

I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each others shoes at least
What size you wear? I wear 10's
Let's see if you can fit your feet

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what it'd be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others minds
Just to see what we'd find
Look at shit through each others eyes

Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you
So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you

So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you
So

Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I'm reaching out for you

Yeah, to my babies
Stay strong, daddy will be home soon

And to the rest of the world
God gave you shoes to fit you
So put 'em on and wear 'em
Be yourself man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny
Don't ever let anyone tell you you ain't beautiful

Once upon a time, I don't give a damn.

2010-10-20T07:33:00.000-07:00

Bonjour earthlings!

No, O level is not over yet. It hasn't even started, for me.

Well good luck for all of those who are having science practical tomorrow. May the force be with you!

Okay, there are a lot of things that I really want to talk/discuss/inform/confront/whatever shits in this blog currently. Ops, did I just say shit? Oh my goodness, so vulgar? Yeah, yeah, Jessica is so vulgar lately. For once, I really want to blog using my Singlish skills I've been picking up for the past 4 years. So here I go now :

Okay, so I use SHIT, FUCK, ASSHOLE, DOUCHE, yada yada, lately in my blog. And some people say, "you're a girl, you should watch what you're talking" or "don't blog like that leh.. so not you" or whatever lah. You don't like my blog. You don't like what I'm writing. You don't like what the content is, then DON'T READ LAH. I don't like people to judge me saying this and that but they themselves say it? Total hypocrite asshole. You're licking your own tongue. What's the point of blogging? Expressing thoughts and feelings right? BLOGGER got say must talk in proper english and restrict vulgarities meh? GOT MEH? so pissing lah seriously. (No, I'm not going to say cb or nb.)

Okay, I don't like all those red dotted lines, should be talking in proper one now. Basically to you all people who just can't take the words, you are better making your way out now :) and oh yes,

FUCK OFF :)

Period.

I've been addicted lately to newspaper. It's been an ecstasy to me. May be it's fairly because I'm too far away from my laptop and Blackberry is getting annoying lately. Yes, too annoying in fact. And, I read a news about (another) demo in Indonesia, that there are bunch of students rioting and even attempting to burn the police when the Indonesian president is visiting the place. If I'm not wrong it was Sulawesi? Doesn't matter. What made me think for a moment was, 1. Students are supposed to be studying right? Not rioting. 2. So you want to burn your president? WTF much? It's not that I'm saying Indonesian students are stupid or anything, but, was it just too much?

If you don't like your president, then study hard, get a degree or even if you can't afford one, study harder and get some goatdamn scholarship in law, be the president, change the things you want to change now! Like Gandhi's quote "Be the change you want to see". Especially if you meet the basic criteria : Native Indonesian. No, I'm not racist, but frankly speaking, if I was to be born being a native Indonesian, I would really want to be a president or at least some member of the parliament or may be some Minister of Education. (Sorry my fantacies just went wild.) Pardon me if I'm being feebleminded now, that was just a thought I want to express. :) I don't really follow up with the news in Indonesia, although I know the news about Indomie. Dots.

I just love Indomie.

Too much, indeed.

Too many things happened lately, especially yesterday. This is how it went by, I'll just give you the timeline.

1. Jessica was on the escalator going up.

2. A dude, across the escalator going down, in black jacket looked at her.

3. Jessica looked back, squinting her eyes hard as she didn't wear her specs nor knowing the exact location of her specs until yesterday when she learned her lesson.

4. Dude waved.

5. Jessica thought it was Matt.

6. Jessica waved back.

7. Jessica asked, "Where are you going?"

8. Dude replied, "Esplanade".

9. Okay, BYE!

10. Jessica messaged matt, "Dood, was it you or did I just talk to a stranger?"

11. "I've been home the whole day".

Nice.

Alright, I know I tell this story to almost like everyone? But really, there is nothing more stupid than that. Oh yeah, may be there is. A few days back, think it was a week ago? I was on the train, reading an interesting article titled "Who was the vilest among all?" that was all about Stalin, Hitler and all those political leaders and a dood sitting on the priority seat tilted his head, perhaps, attempting to catch a glimpse on the article. By then, of course I was shock. Exaggeration : Hysteria was beside myself. Stalker much. He stood in his feet and of course Jessica was relieved. Stalker was going to alight! No, he wasn't, instead, talked to me. And for about 5 stations, he was talking to the me about Joseph Stalin and all those Russian and chinese and I don't know where it went to. To be honest, I wasn't even paying attention to him. I'm sorry stranger. Feel kind of bad, but oh well.

Lesson learned :

Jessica shouldn't talk to a stranger next time and wear spectacles. :)

NU ABO - f(x)

2010-09-24T18:13:00.000-07:00

I asked my sister to hide my laptop and yet her laptop is left unhidden, allowing me to use it. Ironic, I know. Oh dear, youtube just kept me glued to it. I wish I can live like back then when internet doesn't have as much forces of attraction to me, though I mentioned it wasn't as engrossing as before, somehow there's this little incantation that gets me dwelled to it.

I'm currently obsessed in learning to dance this one untypical Korean song that I listened to and hated it at first but fell in love latter. It's NU ABO by f(x). Yes, dear it's an old song, but it's just so addictive to listen to. Despite its cacophony and 'bimbotic' tune, it somehow has its own way to attract people. Somehow. But darn it, I just can't dance somehow. And that's why I have added an additional what-to-do list after my O Level which is to learn this song and abracadabra by BEG.

And here is an addictive song I've been listening to lately. It's kind of an old song.

Tonight out on the streets
I'm gonna follow you
Tell you all about a scene
That you would kill for
You're gonna love what's
Burning right in front of you
But you won't see it
By the light of the sun

Come out Tigerlily
You're caressing me
I'll take you up
I'll turn you on
I'll take your apathy
I wouldn't lie to you, blossom
Won't you let it go
I'm gonna give you all you want
And don't you know

That you
I know you better than this
I could be here when you call
I'll make you top of the list
And in the crush of the dark
I'll be your light in the mist
I can see you burning with desire
For a kiss
Psychobabble all upon your lips

They can sell it all they want
But you cannot agree
I don't like the taste
Of their morality
You'll find your bread and your butter
Where you fake it
And put your face in the gutter
Of a snake pit

But our communication
Is telepathy
What you give is what you get
Out of us naturally
And we can wait til the shadow grows long
And turn the page of a story
That has long since found a home

I know you better than this
I could be here when you call
I'll make you top of the list
And in the crush of the dark
I'll be your light in the mist
I can see you burning with desire
For a kiss
Psychobabble all upon your lips

Have you ever felt
Like you're being followed?
Or watched the ones that held your stare?
Turn around to see who's behind you
To find there's no one there?
Lurking in the dark
There's someone
That breathes you night and day
There's a friend who wants so much more
And if they can't have you
They'll never let you walk away

And in the crush of the dark
I'll be your light in the mist
I can see you burning with desire
For a kiss

And in the crush of the dark
I'll be your light in the mist
I can see you burning with desire
For a kiss
Psychobabble all upon your lips

It's Tigerlily by La Roux. Isn't it scary when somebody interprets you wrongly and stalk you that way? Wanting you so badly that it comes to the point that it becomes aggressive and obsessive? I don't wish to be in that kind of situation though sometimes I feel that even your friends, whom you think are just being "friends" may even like you to the point that it becomes queer kind of situation. You get what I mean? The song is kind of ambiguous, but that's what I comprehend from it.

(Im)possible.

2010-09-19T06:16:00.000-07:00

Having people surrounding me with 'discouraging' comments and responses whenever I reply, "I'm going to study" to their request to ask me out somewhere somehow makes me wonder to myself why the heck am I even studying 'too' hard when these other O level dudes are hanging out and having fun. To be honest, I kind of take pleasure in studying and having the challenges to do addmaths questions. I know you must be thinking how weird/nerdy/alien/'kiaxu' I am, but yes, that's one other quirky truth about me. I was on the train home when I wrapped myself in my own thoughts pondering the purpose of pushing myself to get the 8 points for L1R5 all these while. I don't even reckon why I set 8 as my target. If I remember correctly, it's because of this dream I had after I saw my seniors achieved in their O level. Silly, I know. But who cares? At least I have a goal I want to pursue. And, after the long thought, I find the reason behind my purpose of studying hard : Not to be underestimated.

Oh, please, who doesn't despise those with lower achievement? No matter how much people want to avoid 'judging' people through their intelligence, there will be just this thing that - smarter people are more respected. L to those with lower achievement? I know people are gifted with different talents and I do realise that my gift is not in academic, but arts, and I thank God for that. But I still want to prove to the world that, hey, at least I'm trying hard and it's not bad to try and work hard. I just don't get at times why people stop believing that they can excel in other things when they found out that their talents are not in that particular thing. Well, I don't wish to be one of them. People insult my intelligence. Underestimating what I can become. Who cares?

I'm not mad when I encounter those kind of things. It's like almost a hello and goodbyes to me everyday. Not to mention, schools and everywhere from close friends or casual friends. I'm getting used to it and take it as an extrinsic motivation. And, to people who give me that smirks and give no credence when I say I want to get 8 points, and perhaps thinking "yeah, right, in your dream" no matter what I'll get, I won't regret for studying hard. _l_ you. :)

Homesick - Kings of Convenience

2010-09-17T07:41:00.000-07:00

Shout horray! I can finally breathe in some relief and make a small declaration of 'independence'. May be not yet, but prelims are done, that's all that at least matters to me - for the moment. Had a little fun today with Linka, entertaining myself with Annoying Orange and camwhoring to make myself giggle to look at how epic my face is from different angles. Call me vain or narcistic, but I should really win the "Epic Face" Award for the year. Heehee, I am lame, but that's alright.

WARNING : The following flashing images may content harm. Viewer discretion is advised before you vomit, go cataract or even breathing difficulties.

"In your face" expression -.-

No, this is not some kind of horny face nor an orgasm kind of expression.

cikopeh uncles facial expression.

An ah beng's expression when asking to fight.

my monkey + frog expression.

classic expression.

I realise they're getting sicker as you scroll down, but I think I'll even go crazier than this if I win a $ 1,000,000 jackpot or lotre. Haahaa.

Oopsy Daisy - Chipmunk.

2010-09-16T02:39:00.000-07:00

Geez, sometimes I just wish I can kill people without having to carry the sin. Seriously, why do beeatch like you have to fucking exist?

DEAR YOU, GO FLY KITE, LAH!

I regret for, I suppose, being too kind to you, but oh well, I can't really change the ways things are now rather than shutting down my mouth and yada yada, you know, pretend that I'm still there for that bitch whenever she needs a friend and give my listening ears. I know I'm being a hypocrite for not telling her the truth that I dislike her, but oh boy, I just don't know how to explain this.. I just can't bear to hurt anyone else. Well, I'm not trying to make you go "awww, so sweet" or "awww, such a nice girl." I know I have a contradicting personality, but frankly speaking, I've hurt enough people with my words and actions which I regret when I think of em. Darn. Frog you, life!

Period, change of topic.

I'm currently (more) obsessed with these platforms.. not that I follow the trend or whatever yada yada but I've always loved platforms that all my heels are actually platform heels.

I don't know which one to take, upper left or lower left? damnnnnn. :(

Brick by brick - Katy Perry

2010-09-07T18:07:00.000-07:00

Damn sun, why do you have to be so scorching and tanning? Darn, hate it. Again, I failed to run in the morning. My plan to run in the evening too failed for 129384827359834750th time. I guess I have to make a stronger commitment than before if I really wish to lose weight..

Anyhoo, I'm kinda bored now and what came across my mind as I'm typing this is things that I normally do when I feel bored/sad/nervous and others. Now that I think again, I wonder if people notice.

1. I bite my nails when I'm..... bored.

2. I draw/colour stuff when I'm.... sleepy and bored.

3. I fold my arms when I'm..... thinking/nervous.

4. I raise my eyebrow when I'm..... pissed at someone/challenging someone/don't know what to say.

5. I squeezed my eyes when I.... can't see what the heck the sign/bus number/building name/whatsoever is.

6. I run when I'm..... mad/want to lose weight/sad/said to be fatter/can't fit size 8/want to be alone.

7. I play with my hair when I..... don't tie my hair and I sit down with a table in front of me with no one to talk to/when studying.

8. I cover my face when.... I know my face is going to be red.

9. I try to peel of my blisters when.... I'm reading in my bedroom.

10. I change my status in my BBM when..... I'm bored/inspired by something.

11. I sing when..... the song suits my mood/conditions.

12. I keep quite in the bathroom when I'm.... reading my notes on the bathroom walls.

13. I blog when I'm.... bored. Duh?

Okay, at least those are all I can think of. Better read some stuff now. Byeeeeee.

솔직히, 아직 당신을 사랑 내가 될 수

2010-09-02T23:43:00.000-07:00

Things are draining me out lately, both mentally and physically. The world is revolving too fast. The hearts are changing too fast. Yet the adrenaline rush is no longer beside me. I suppose I should describe this feeling as numbness or blindness of the truth. I can't handle the revolve of changes around me. May be all I need is merely time. I never knew life will be such a burden that weighing me down that all that I want is to dig myself in the ground with all of my tears and sorrow. Picking up my ass from the ground and smile are all I can do. Deceiving myself from the truth and letting my eyes play their role in betraying my own heart. Yes, that is all I can do.

Or perhaps I should berate myself for making impulsive decision/request. I'm a coward who simply doesn't dare to express things directly in words nor any other means of things. It takes guts and courage to say this, but I'm not a master of words, so pardon me if you don't get a thing. All I want is to vomit out everything within me, in which I hope, would set me free from this heavy breathing and let my soul be in ease. No sarcasm nor hurt is intended. Please don't get me wrong. I don't know whether you'll read this or not, but this is for you..

Since you're gone, the puzzle in my heart is incomplete. It loses its piece and it makes everything else awkward in life, but I guess, moving on is all that I need. I'm sorry for not being able to change this attitude of mine. I'm sorry for not being able to be your bride as we used to wish. I'm sorry for not holding you tight enough that I eventually let you loose from my hand. I'm sorry for hurting you all these times with my constant aching words/sarcasms/mockings that I threw on you, given they were directly or indirectly or within my consciousness. I realize it's my attitude problem that has hurt you the most all these while and from the bottom of my heart, I want to apologize for every single thing. I promise I'll change, for the better, for myself. Talking about change, you've surely changed my life all these while. Although I have to admit that being myself was hard with you, you've transformed to someone, to a lady, to the better person. Thank you for every single things you've given to me. From every single yellow flower, words of motivation, teasing, jokes, lame jokes, and many million other little deeds which, I suppose, mounted to something that I can no longer list here. Life is sure great out there, yeah? I hope, better than the past 1 year and 6 months that we had. To be honest, it was the greatest adventure in my life I've ever had. I hope it is the same thing for you.. though I have to doubt what I just said. But one thing for sure that I want you to know is that.. I have never regretted for having you in my life.. nor regretting to be loved or loving a boy like you.. it was truly a gift I thank God for.. I wish you all the best in life.. joy, happiness, laughter and love.. I'm sure you'll find a better one out there..

goodbye..

I'm so sad maybe I should buy a happy meal.

2010-08-30T04:04:00.000-07:00

I've been getting bored of the internet lately. Not to mention, blogging. Internet doesn't really attract me as much it did before except for annoying orange and new songs that are waiting to be downloaded. I fall in love with Teenage Dream by Katy Perry and also her "Not like the Movies". And yes, I deleted my twitter (long ago) as well as my dearest Facebook due to personal reasons which I suppose I can't really tell why. Guess I'd just use my O level as an excuse. But nevertheless, life without these stuff feels so much easier in some ways. Believe it or not, a person like me can survive not spying on some people's activities and photos and relationship status and commenting endlessly on other people's photos/status/whatever shits. *claps from audience*

Speaking of life, I don't know why, all of a sudden, the thought of going to college and leaving my green uniform scare the hell of me. I never knew that the feeling of leaving secondary school can be this saddening. Especially now that I make friends with so many people and more importantly, these people have been the people that I can rely on. The people I share all my stories to. The people who pinch my cheeks. The people who always make me smile till my face lines deepen. The people who talk non-stop during the "study sessions". The people who call me "cow" because of the anime character that I don't even know at all. The people who let me finish their snacks in school. The people whose iPhones I use to entertain me whenever I want to play Tap Tap revenge Justin Bieber version. The people who tickle me and poke me. The people who make me what I am today. And certainly, the people who won't read this blog and knowing nothing that I'm writing about them.

I just love them so much. Really.

flaw(less)ness

2010-08-20T07:04:00.000-07:00

I know I must sound like an emotional kid for hating the world so much for my flaws, but should I say "too bad" for what I'm given and the sickening surrounding I have to bear with. A beautiful melodious song stroked me at the very first line and eventually the whole song caught my attention, especially the lyrics.

"when I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change, cause girl you're amazing, just the way you are.. and when you smile, the whole world stops and stare for a while, cause girl you're amazing, just the way you are.." Just the way you are - Bruno Mars.

Like, hello? who the frog will ever say that to anyone wholeheartedly? if there is, I doubt, they will just say it before they see your flaws or after you've got it covered. Well, I apologize if it may not be right to you, but, oh well.. the world is mean. May be, only to me but not others. Frog life. >:0

Spewing Venoms.

2010-08-14T06:08:00.000-07:00

Here I am in my bedroom, alone. Don't tell me I'm an emo, dude, cause I'm just not feeling well, somehow. I'm blogging while waiting for Youtube to load. Stupid internet, it just drives me crazy all the time. Anyway, TAEYANG IS A TOTAL HOTNESS. Okay, I know I've been all K POP stuff, but come on, I'm Asian, can't help it.

Watch me burn.

2010-08-13T06:55:00.000-07:00

I've been busy because of the whole loads of things that somehow tire my soul and yet, I just simply take pleasure in these rapid movements and changes around me. I've been trying to avoid seeing people somehow. I'm enjoying this solitude moment where I can just sit and think and study and do whatever I want to.

Sheez I'm not feeling well right now. I don't want to fall sick on my Oral O level for Geez sakeee. Okay, shall rest now. see you earthlings.

facing the facts.

2010-08-05T17:21:00.000-07:00

I just remembered having a face-the-fact conversation with Sidney about girls and boys.

And here are the facts you people may agree with me :

1. Girls will always try to find out whether their guys are cheating on them and ask the guys to admit, but when they find what they want to find, they'll get sad. (idiot)

2. Girls/boys would always believe that they're pretty/handsome when other boys/girls say so instead of their own boyfriends/girlfriends. (ironic much?)

3. Boys would always nag at their girls if they wore something a bit obscene, but look at other girls who wear those kind of things. (exceptions)

4. Girls would always shop/dress or anything to beautify themselves so that their boys would not look at other girls, but too bad, they will still look.

5. Girls would be angry if their guys don't do the usual routine (e.g send them back home, eat dinner with her, yada yada) but are never grateful for the single things they've done for them. (ooppps)

Well, I thought I was the only one whose perspective is that way. I'm sure there are many others that I haven't found out/ haven't realised/ haven't remembered/ haven't experienced. There are just some exceptions, I supposed.

p.s for couples, please don't initiate a fight out of this post. haahaa.

2010-08-05T07:57:00.000-07:00

http://xiaxue.blogspot.com/2004/11/mail-from-eligible-man.html

I just read a post by Xiaxue which is probable like a thousands of years ago, but I guess this is the best one so far. She's right.

"Men just turn ugly when they can not get you"

Well she wrote something like that. I can't recall exactly what she wrote and I'm too lazy to open the tab.

SEXTOYSTUFF.

2010-07-30T07:38:00.000-07:00

If I know how to fly, I would fly away and never come back. For sure.

I am having sweet tooth on my diet! Oh no. And what's worse, I'm 55 kg. A total gain of 4 kg since the beginning of the year. OMG. Like seriously? Darn, it's unfair when some people just don't gain weight no matter how much 1028773467649 calories they have in a day and whatever things they eat. Screw this unfairness. I want justice. But on top of all, screw weight.

I've heard countless stories of molest, raping or whatever things I'm always scared of. Given that I'm born as a vulnerable species. I hate some people, especially male human beings. Do women look like a sex toy to you? Hello? Wake up your mind please. What? Boobs? booties? you love them right? you love those asses and those cup Ds? The bigger the better, isn't it? Squeeze here and there then push in and out your stick to those friggin' vagina right? Oh, or how about those jobs? Suck your own balls for goodness sake. I hate these perverts whose eyes are just rolling to wherever they can look for PORN or anything that can lead them to satisfy their 'earthly' needs. I can't help it, but MALE SPECIES, please hear this, FEMALE SPECIES have pride, okay? Period, that's all I want you to know. RESPECT THEM.

Damn.

SHITTYSTUFF.

2010-07-23T02:24:00.000-07:00

Today, shit things happen to me and recalling them make me wanna slap myself even more. The perfect phrase for today would be, "What the freaking shit. Grab and rub some shit on your face."

Oh, what a perfect shit.

Period, no more shit.

I hate waiting. I always do. And no matter who are those who are late without pretty valid reasons, I'd be enraged. I may sound like a hypocrite as I myself am always late. But, what the pwned? I've got some good reasons on hands.

And a pretty "good" news is here! My cupboard lamp bulb is kind of faulty and I can't see clearly what's in my wardrobe and I bet my very "thoughtful" and "responsible" guardian will get it fixed "as soon as possible". Perhaps, 1 month or 2? I always hate my houses' guardians somehow or another. They're somehow the reasons why I don't like staying at home. From my experience of shifting house for 4 times, here are my conclusions about guardians, regardless of race or religion or whatever it is :

1. They are greedy.

2. They act as if they're awarded with THE BEST GUARDIAN award when a new ward comes in.

3. They are lazy.

4. They are money minded. $$$$$

5. They only want things to go the easy way.

6. They are cheapskate.

7. many others.

Anyhoo, Ricky-des-neechan-dongseng is here. :D

and the story goes.he

2010-07-18T09:31:00.000-07:00

It's 12 : 46 AM in the morning and I'm not asleep yet. Yes, all thanks to the insomnia altogether with this excitement of can't-wait-to-buy-docMarts-in-the-weekend type of things. I'm not usually up after 12AM because the thoughts of fatigue scares me out in some ways. Strange, but I kind of think this is not normal since I could cry at times when I can't sleep or when I sleep later than 11PM.

Some of the last photos taken from my dearest photo booth.

And I went to have a good long adventure with Linka after church from Beach Road all the way to Upper Bukit Timah, alien places I've never been in my 4 years journey in Singapore. Somehow, I sort of realise that this Sing-jiah-poh is more than just Orchard Road, Sentosa, Bras basah or that kind of things and it made me feel like I have to go around and see the "beauty" of it. Sounds so disgusting, but that's how I feel. Seems like Singapore has found its way to put some incantations on me.

<3>

Eventually, time runs out.

2010-07-16T03:06:00.000-07:00

Joses left this morning, and yesterday we watched Dear John together. What a perfect movie, right? I love the movie so much and of course, I had fun with him, also together with Joyce and Gary. It's somehow just like the first time Joses left me here. We got a "double-date" on the day before he left, Gary cried and Joyce cried because she saw Gary cried and eventually we all cried, except for this Joses. I miss him already.

These two weeks, I had the fun, the love, the thrill, the everything that I've never had in two weeks. That's only because of Joses. Two weeks are too short for me. I need more, I want him here. I want him to say, "does this count as annoying?" and play with his cheeks to impersonate Agnes in Despicable Me. Sigh, but I guess time runs out and let's face the reality. Thank you for the happiness you've brought to me. :)

jusung hamida.

2010-07-08T22:35:00.000-07:00

Some people say, if the word sorry can heal almost anything, there won't be anyone jailed or punished. But now, the question is, if the word sorry can't heal them, why is the word sorry created at the first place?

If i'd to describe myself right now, I'd say I'm a negative equation in a graph with a maximum point. The only thing I need is anyone who can erase the negative sign for me to be a-smiling-graph. I know I must be talking Greek, but that's alright, not expecting anyone to understand.

Amazed like a maze.

2010-07-03T07:23:00.001-07:00

Look who's here!

it was a total surprise when Joses suddenly came to Singapore yesterday! it's a long story how he gave his surprise, the summary is, he placed a beautiful bouquet of flowers with a paper written "look for me, p.s 55 xxxxx"

And my first reaction was "ohmygosh" and I was just so elated that I cry when I saw him :') So happy. Miss him so much. :)

Alright, I should do my homework now, bye bye bye.

THE FRINGE.

2010-06-29T03:38:00.000-07:00

Yes, my fringe is getting annoying lately and I've got 2 choices :

1. Keep it long.

2. Cut it to bangs.

But there's always this little irritating consequences :

1st choice : I'll have to pin it up most of the time as my fringe won't swipe nicely, this can make my outer line hair thinner, which is already too thin!

2nd choice : My pimples would 'accumulate' more, which is an eweeee.

So, here are the fringes that I actually would love to have:

well, I love having bangs, it makes me look younger in some way and also, more feminine? But it's just so trouble some when it's hot especially in Singapore and if even though I want to pin it up, it would be kinda weird since it's too short :/ And I would also love to have a long fringe as I can braid or pin it up or even make it into something that is nice?

Yes yes, I know I'm an ASIAN and asian normally have fringe, but somehow it just doesn't suit me well. SOS.

down in the dumps.

2010-06-24T21:56:00.000-07:00

if there's no heaven and hell,
if there's no God and satan,
if there's no sister and brother,

I would have jumped outta the window or something else that could kill myself.
I want to die.

bitter heart, this heart is getting fragile.

2010-06-23T07:13:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I've been getting all emotional lately. Perhaps it's partially due to my "Neil Armstrong" stuff. I hope you understand that metaphor. Ladies should understand this. And given that, I get mad over small stuff such as this ass global warming and small lies or waking up late in the morning or whatever it is. I don't get this PMS thingy, I don't get why the hormones would make women emotional. And I don't wish to understand why, so don't bother to explain.

I just want to cry all the times. I can't even seem to be happy nor satisfied with anything currently. I hate puberty. I hate being ugly like this. I'm one fat ugly duckling.

just as I am.

2010-06-22T09:39:00.000-07:00

let the picture speaks a thousand words times three.

all access.

2010-06-21T21:22:00.000-07:00

I was browsing through looking for Katy Perry's california gurls music video when I saw this video and I was like "geez, she's pretty". I always love Katy from the very first "U r so gay" until the "If we'll ever meet again".

Underneath the foundation, concealer, mascara and eyeliner.

2010-06-20T07:44:00.000-07:00

I've been using quite a reasonable amount of make up lately. No, this is without any single make up and please don't be fooled by a picture, especially a picture taken from a Macbook's photo booth which, not surprisingly, make your face fairer with less flaw compared to the real life one. Yes, that's why I like photo booth.

But no, that's not what I want to share with you.

Flaws and marks from my past pimples or any thing else just sit on my face, waiting for a powerful product from doctor to drive them away from my oily skin. You may be disgusted by now, but please don't be cause I'm not the only one with the same problem. That's why, concealer and foundation to the rescue to save the day. To save myself from the constant eyes fixed on my forehead where my flaws lie. It's no surprise to me when guys tease me about these flaws. It's no surprise when people ask me to go to dermatologist to get the flawless face that skin related products advertisement promise in television. Take note : especially guys, boys, men, male. It's costly, to be honest, well, to me since I just don't have too much money to spend on my face. If $2000 are not too much for you, you can share some with me for my face. Another suggestion made : Use make up.

Some say that eyes are the most important component of the beauty. Or perhaps, that is solely applicable to me. I have a pair of eyes that, I thank God, are gifted with double eyelids together with a quite long lashes. If those are your 'assets', what would you do? As for me, I embrace it. That's when mascara and eyeliner steps into the game and take control. I love retro pin up make up as that's a 1940s looks. Something like Katy Perry, but no, I'm not that daring enough to put on that rosy red lipstick.

and what catches your eyes the most when you saw this picture? Other than her supposedly cup C boobs? I reckon it's her eyes. And by having a make up like that, all I ever wanted is just for people to have their eyes set on my eyes instead of scanning around my whole body trying to pick up some weak spots. All I ever wanted is for people to ignore the rest of my looks once they have their eyes on mine.

But no, people are never satisfied with themselves or others. Comparisons are done. Critics are given. Lots of comments are made. Only to contribute to be thought by others to be verbose. Those just start pouring onto me as if people understand the pain of cleaning makeup afterwards. I always have a hard time cleaning my eyeliner after use, especially after a long day when my it starts to smudge under my eyes. Suggestion made : Don't use eyeliner/ Don't use it excessively. But to me, not using eyeliner is like wearing black clothes among the people wearing black clothes. People will start looking on my pimples or my fats or my anything. And when use just a little bit of eyeliner, it's like I'm wearing a dark gray out of the black ones. People take notice of it, but start to look around again. But when I use my eyeliner like Katy's, it's like wearing a yellow shirt among the black shirts. My eyes outstands from my flaws. As a result, people ignore my weak links. At the least, that's how I feel.

People suggest to me to look like this one, or that one, but changes their minds easily once they see how the look does not match me well or as good as what they had expected. Though I love to experiments, but make ups are not cheap stuff. Don't ever tell me to buy the cheap ones or the less costly ones cause I don't want to risk my skin just for a temporary beauty.

To be honest, I'm sick of this make up. I want to get back to the past when I'm not hooked to make up and still feeling confident if I'm not wearing one. I definitely feel like a plastic everytime every brush of foundation sweep against my skin. I definitely feel like an old rag each time I rub my eyelids trying to clean my eyeliner. People don't understand how it feels to be pressurised to look good. Not to mention, boys. Please, understand. Confidence is not simply built in a day, it takes time.

I want to get back to the past. I regret.

Graceful.

2010-06-17T07:46:00.000-07:00

You know, I haven't felt being a graceful girl for a very long time. Sometimes, or I must say, most of the time, I feel that I'm supposed to be born as a boy rather than a girl. Though I grew up being a girly girl, I didn't get to play those Barbie Dolls like other girls. I didn't get to have my hair long until I was secondary two. And due to some circumstances, I didn't get to wear my dresses or skirts, except for school skirts. And due to that, I felt more like a boy, but no, I'm not a lesbian. At times, I just think that I should be either a girl or a boy, not half.

and now that the "circumstances" are taken away, I hate Barbie dolls and I hate wearing dress or skirt. Especially the short ones. This year, I don't think I've worn any dress or skirt. Wohoo, soon-to-be a man, yeah? But oh well, I wanna be graceful again like I did. I wanna be pretty like other girls too. I wanna wear dresses and skirts but I can't. I'm just, afraid? Sigh.

CHANGE OF FLEA.

2010-06-16T07:20:00.000-07:00

Hello fellas, sadly the flea on ST JAMES have to be POSTPONED TO AUGUST! so yeah, take note that there won't be any flea on Sunday there! BUT, drum roll please...

There will be another one in SCAPE* YOUTH PARK in SOMERSET! I'll be there on Saturday, 5pm-11pm! PLEASE COME AND SUPPORT. :)

and by the way, this is some snapshots of my d.i.y rings. Yes, all are fingermadessss.

act cute. gross. yea, the rings are cute, inspired by flowers, :)

some more edgy ones.

Prices for rings would range from $3 - $ 12 and a $ 20. Yes, the one in my ring finger is the $20 one, the material is sooooooooo $$$$$, but don't worry, the rest would be just around $8? or $9? and don't worry! prices are negotiableee. :) :)

p.s i still have lotsa rings in my rooms. around 30 to be sold? was just too lazy to take a pict of it ;)

room-alone and aim.

2010-06-14T06:35:00.000-07:00

so, mom and gabby left today. felt so sad and lonely somehow. the room feels so empty with nobody but me. I feel like doing nothing but to get the days pass by and wait for my sister to come back here and get myself busy to disturb her. But I'm afraid of the term3 as well. it's gonna be less than 5 months to my O level and with my result like this, I don't think it's easy to get that 8 points. Talking about aim, I hate it when people say to others that we should aim something that is "reasonable". Tell me what do you define reasonable as. If I'm here standing with my 22points of L1r5 and aiming for 8points of l1r5, is it wrong?

My leader once told me, aiming is like playing golf as well.
for example :

YOU 0 (ball) ________________________________ O <- Hole

If you aim to reach

YOU _______________________________ O <- Hole
^ (target)

you'll hit it with the energy to reach there, but there's always a possibility that you won't reach your targeted aim and instead it falls behind where you want it to be,
i.e
YOU ____________0____________0______ O <- Hole
either

but let's say, if I set my aim to be in the hole or even beyond the hole, where do you think would I land, provided if I give my best and put the energy I should put, where would I land?

YOU ____0?_________0?_______________o?_ 0?O <- Hole

more possibilities to reach the "better" position, isn't it?
what I'm trying to say is, am high. Never think it's not achievable. Most importantly, do what you're supposed to do to get it. Faith without work is dead. I myself aim to be the youngest designer billionaire. Who says it's impossible? People say I won't be able to do this or that because of the limitations that I have and of course it does affect me at times. Who wouldn't be let down? But only stupid people fall and stay in the ground. Move your butt up and start walking again and eventually, run and fly high with what you achieve.

MACI IS BACK and some other annoyance and FLEA MARKET.

2010-06-12T08:00:00.000-07:00

Hallu, good news my MACI is finally back. It's been a long painful 4 months or more? that idiot takes a very long time just to fix this macbook.

Anyway, this is what I wore today while hanging out with my mom. Inspired much by Chloe and Celine.

the day goes on pretty nicely until this stupid Indonesian restaurant I shouldn't name (before I'm caught and charged with whatever the charge is for abusing the use of internet). Like, what the freak, two tables were served before mine eventhough I came first? and the things we order were more or less the same? Insane. I hate Indonesian service. My mom was fed up too and I have no choice but to give my attitude face to them (just to scare them) until some of the people who queue outside somehow looked at me. And the food finally was served to my table. And what angered me the most is that they didn't even say sorry and tried to gimme back the "WTF" face. Okay, WTF here stands for what the freak. No vulgarities. Geez, they should go to join some "serving manner" course or something. No service no money!!!! then don't charge like HELL.

IN CONCLUSION, LEARN TO SERVE BEFORE YOU EVEN SERVE.

this is applicable especially to Indonesian restaurant and middle class Singaporean restaurant waiters. Here, I sometimes feel that when you have no $$$ written on your face, you're not served. that's why I hate it when people despise serving me just because I don't carry those LV bags and instead a 20 bucks bag and not walking in red sole but a plain white sneakers. I'm not rich so what? I pay, you serve. Deal.

geez.

okay, i know I've been some kind of emo lately. I can't help it but to feel so sad and helpless about my life. I feel almost numb towards any thing, given it's happiness, sadness, envy, or whatever you name it. It feels like, oh, it has happened to me, the same reason why I'm sad, and I finally feel nothing. That is why i've been sewing lately. I don't know why but I feel way lot better when I sew and listen to the rhythms of the sewing machine. Strangely, it adds colour to my life.

Mom has been the greatest mom ever. I already promised to myself that if I get more than 200$ in the upcoming flea, I'll treat my mom to the best tom yum restaurant. Poor her, she must reduce consuming those because of her gastric.

Talking about FLEA, I will be selling many many many many stuff in the SWAP AND $HOP at ST JAMES POWERSTATION on 20th JUNE 2010! my booth will be PD5! everything will be bellow $23 and of course, there will be lotsa bargaining over there! Do come and support if you can. Stuff includes : dresses and cute tops and some DIY accessories. ;) COME COME COME! for more info, you can just comment or ask.

anw, I'll be selling with Lettisia, Joyce and Zee. wohoo. gonna be great!

rotten.

2010-06-09T16:31:00.000-07:00

If my heart was a house, it's already a debris.

i just died.

2010-06-09T00:33:00.000-07:00

I just died just now, and my graveyard is already prepared. I will be dressed in the floral dress with my mascara and nude pink lipstick on my face. The gravestone will read 18 april 1994 - 9 June 2010. People will wear all black and put up a sympathy face. When I'm back to the ground, people will start reaping the flowers all over the sand and leave in 5mins time.

The end.

die. dead. dying.

2010-06-05T00:56:00.000-07:00

can I just die already? what? don't tell me to mind my words, I've heard it countless times from people around the world. I'm already dead in the inside, so why should I live from the outside?
screw my life. screw these people living numbly. screw everything.

Movie(s).

2010-06-03T04:09:00.000-07:00

I just watched this almost-3-hours movie. Awesome right? This is even longer than Armageddon and almost the same duration as Titanic. This is the longest movie ever after Hitler : The Rise Of Evil And I have to admit that I cried like really hell I wanna jump outta the window. Man. Oh, yes, I love historical movie (sometimes) but I do prefer Shrek to Hitler. I wish I could have a sister, as if a sister-friend who protects me and become the best friend like the ones in the movie. I know this is a 2001 movie, but the ugly truth is, movies nowadays almost have no moral value or no meaning. Like, what? those movies with those people having sex or being nude or whatever. Oh come on, satisfy your eyes with something good like Chucky. Haahaa, I love Chucky. I know in this movie itself, Kate kissed Ben, Danny kissed Kate, but at least, there's a story behind it.

"What if you leave for a war and have to leave your girlfriend who later thinks that you're dead and have a relationship with your best friend when you were back?"

that was the question I put a while ago in my facebook. Now, what would you do? Okay, I'm sure I'm gonna watch that movie again. Kate Beckinsale is sooooooo pretty there. I wanna go back to those 1940s and buy those clothes they wear. Okay. I'm officially in love with vintage again. This time, 1940s. Who doesn't love the era of the red red red? I'm listening to Pearl Harbor's soundtrack : There You'll Be - Faith Hill. A must to listen.

Okay, may be i just list out the top 9 movies I love the most:
1. Pearl Harbor (haahaa)
2. Stardust.
3. Fireproof.
4. Shrek 3,2,4,1.
5. Baby and Me.
6. Chucky.
7. Click.
8. Monster.
9. A walk to remember.

But, no, I don't wanna be one of the character. Though I love being Tiffany, Chucky's wife, but I don't wanna marry Chucky. He has bad sense of fashion! haahaa. I would love being Fiona too, but I don't wanna be green. I don't wanna be yellow too. I would love to be Kate Beckinsale! But no, I don't wanna play her role, haahaa. I would be too stressed I can kill myself.

Okay. Bye.

Should they deserve the 10% of our bill?

2010-05-28T22:07:00.000-07:00

I ate in this 'reputable' restaurant yesterday, and I was pissed off like hell for their service, like, what the pwned? I'm paying extra 10% for the service when their service is like hell sick. Waste rice. And so, I wrote a complaint letter. Well, I know you all must be thinking I have nothing else more important to do or whatever it is, but here is the fact : Make use of the feedback form and your skill learned in Secondary 2 - writing formal letter. Right?

Okay, this is what I wrote :

"I paid a visit to x's branch in Changi Airport Terminal x yesterday. To my surprise, the service provided was very slow and your employees were not as polite as expected. Disappointed as this is not the first visit that I was treated such way in the same outlet of x. If needed, should you employ more staff for further efficiency that customer should not wait for 30 minutes for her food to arrive. I do not consider this reasonable for a reputable restaurant like x. Thank you."

Well, this is not the first time I wrote such way to a restaurant or any place. So, don't be surprised. And don't have that mindset that I'm such a whatever the word is that may come across your mind, you pay, you deserve. If I'm treated such way in Hawker center, of course I don't care. I don't lose 4 bucks for anything. Sheez. I can buy 3 myojo mee with that.

Alright, I should chill and relax. The room feels so empty. No one's in the room :(

BYEBYEBYEBYE.

MRT IRRITANTS.

2010-05-27T23:45:00.000-07:00

Okay, generally, today's weather couldn't be any less sicker than yesterday. The heat! oh come on, for some of you, especially in Indonesia, don't bother feeling mad or whatsoever when you got your cars ready for you. I have to take mrt/bus/taxi and to get those transportation I would still need to walk a more or less 500m. And yeah, of course, under the sun.

So, this is the problem, I don't like hot weather. I don't like being tanned. I don't like to perspire unless sport. Sun screen? forget it. 1. it doesn't work. 2. it could irritate me more to feel sticky from face to leg. 3. it makes me feel like I haven't showered cleanly. Gross.

So? Take cab? 1. expensive. 2. More pollutions emitted to the atmosphere -> hotter.

So? Irritated everyday. No choice. And of course I have to take the bloody MRT where Singaporeans show their true colour. Well, may be some.

I DON'T LIKE RIDING CROWDED MRT.

It's disgusting to have your skin touched with another people's. Imagine if they haven't showered or they perspire a lot, or they have skin problem. You know, especially my race people. Some of them hate water so much that they shower only once a day or probably when they feel like to. Okay, I'm not racist towards my own race. I love every one regardless of their race, but just can't help this one. May be stereotype, I don't know. Or may be that's just my phobia. fyi, I don't like people to touch me, especially my skin. It makes me feel....molested? Haahaa, that's a strong word to describe and may be that's more of an exaggeration.

And then, I don't like people pushing me or even pulling me! there was once a time when somebody's something was accidentally tangled to my side pants button, and when the "doors are closing" sounded, she violently pull me towards the door. Damn. lucky only my button came of. Sheez. And of course, a lot of times, people would push me trying to get out of the train or coming into the train. That's the most irritating one, especially those who never say excuse me or anything. I know Indonesians even don't say excuse me at all. Well, some, but most. tsk.

Oh, oh, to those riding train, do not lean your head to the glass window or whatever that seems like a glass to you! It's disgusting. Like, you know, people who sleep and lean their forehead there! Their face is like oily. Ewe. Goosebumps.

Okay, I want to migrate to somewhere cold or at least with 21 degree celcius. I can't stand living here!

Here is some make up I did yesterday. I look scary, but this is the first one that I've ever done, everybody claps! Anyhoo, this is before Asia conference day 2. Gonna upload more photos later. I have to rest and dress up for RETRO NIGHT later.

HAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAA.

bye.

Sweltering heat and my new pet peeve : (IDIOT) FACEBOOK USERS.

2010-05-25T22:43:00.000-07:00

Kate Beckinsale <3

Mila's prettiest dress.

extremely ewee looking at Mischa Barton who turns to a Granny with her skeleton skinny look. Gross.

Elisabeth Banks has been looking preeeetty dress up lately. And Georges Chakra's bravo.

Sasha doesn't look skinny here. and dang, can I have that hair?

Boy oh boy, the weather has been scorching hot all these times, especially this week. And what is wrong with people who can withstand this heat? I want some heat-tolerant superpower!

Anyway, the thoughts of post-school irritates my thoughts. It seems more like I don't have any choice but stay in Singapore, the city I have always wanted to leave. I hate the fact that Aussie doesn't really have up standard of fashion design school. Damn.

You know, facebook has been such an annoyance lately. Especially these people who are constantly bugging me with various methods. First, tons of these people add me on Facebook with the desperate hope of finding their true love in the cyber world. Normally, these asses will try to show their great interest by saying "Hi, thanks for the approve. Intro please?" and I will be like, WTH, there's this box provided specially for Information. Read it and ask something else, okay? But of course I won't say that. And some others, take the courage by chatting right away. Usually they will ask "Hi, nice to know you (when the hell did I know you?) May I know what's your name?" This is the most stupid question ever. It's like asking "Hi Jessica, what's your name?". Hallu, you can type but you can't read, can't you? Tsk.

Then, comes the world of these group of people who change their names to some stupid names. Lemme give you this example : "-Saiia iThuu PhanNIe-" well, I just made the name up. It's in Indonesian and it means : My name is Phanie. Gross. Your name is my name is Phanie? And some other people even change their names to a more extreme kinds of names! example : Hatake Kakashi added me on facebook! Everybody says WOW. He's even already dead in Naruto Anime. Is he alive again? Where's Jiraya then? Yucks.

Next, a creative idea comes from an online seller. Tagging millions of people to advertise their products! Then, many other people start doing the same things. And the section of Pictures Of Me becomes the section of Pictures Of blah blah shop. And some people who have no life added a white page or whatever and tag billions of people with the aim of spamming people's notifications. I was surprised when my notifications was 1345678765432. Geez, don't abuse taggings!

And for some people who have been asking me, yes, I deleted my twitter for some private reason. No hard feeling on anyone, but it was a good decision that I quit, I now become less distracted by this Blackberry. Well, for some extent, I don't wanna delete my facebook. It's a good social network though. Just, don't abuse it.

BYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYE.

Bieber Fever.

2010-05-21T05:06:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not sick with Bieber Fever. I'm really sick now. Down with cough and a bit of fever and body aches.
Oh well, such a long time since I last sick. And to admit the truth, I'm alone. Nobody takes care of me. But thank God, :) I prayed to Him and my body aches less after I prayed. I went to Tampines Mall and One earlier this afternoon to accompany my sister and since then I had headache and my cough worsened. Went home and ate my meds and sleep. Wake up feeling really tired.

Anyway, yesterday was our 6 months anniversary!
LOVE JOSES SO SO SO MUCH.

:)

should be resting again now. BYE.

Blame.

2010-05-19T21:09:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Z5OookwOoY

"When Things got hard, you started looking for something to blame. Like a Big Shadow.
Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it...

You've gotta hit as hard as life. It ain't about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much can you take and keep moving forward? That's how winning is done.

If you know what you're worth, Go out and Get What Your Worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits. And not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him or her or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that."

From Rocky Balboa's last movie. So inspiring indeed.

Upset.

2010-05-16T00:39:00.000-07:00

upset |ˌəpˈset|
verb ( -setting; past and past part. -set) [ trans. ]
1 make (someone) unhappy, disappointed, or worried : the accusation upset her | [as adj. ] ( upsetting) a painful and upsetting divorce.
2 knock (something) over : he upset a tureen of soup.
• cause disorder in (something); disrupt : the dam will upset the ecological balance.
• disturb the digestion of (a person's stomach); cause (someone) to feel nauseous or unwell.
3 [often as n. ] ( upsetting) shorten and thicken the end or edge of (a metal bar, wheel rim, or other object), esp. by hammering or pressure when heated.

I am upset. I don't know why, but somehow or another I just got no motivation to study or anything, though I had a fun day this morning and afternoon. I am bored, so I went to see this stupid boys' cold war between this rich kid and the boy next door because of...

poker.
look at this link :

http://www.clicknetwork.tv/watch.aspx?c=6&p=17&v=334

seems fun.

and so because I was extremely bored, I went to look for a video on catfight, and I found a nasty catfight. Never seen such a brutal one before. tsk, I don't know the reason behind this as they speak in a language I don't understand and no translation is made.

here is the link :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jfj0Nxn5Sw8&feature=fvsr

I should sleep and wait for tomorrow to come. And wait for Joses to fulfill his promise : spend tomorrow with me. I pray hard he won't go to the gym. I pray hard he's gonna spend his time with me. I pray hard, exams are gonna end with a smile. I pray hard...

Tall doesn't make you a giant, short doesn't make you a cutie.

2010-05-14T10:30:00.001-07:00

I hate the fact that humans' mindset are so not flexible lately. Whenever they see me, a 164 tall woman with an extra addition of a broad shoulder, they will just somehow or another think of me as a size 12 or 14. Hello, tall doesn't necessarily mean huge okay? it doesn't make anyone a giant. And you shortie, don't think that you are cute. You're dwarf to the British.

Sorry if that offends you.

I forget how it feels to be hugged.

He may (not) be coming here.

2010-05-14T00:12:00.000-07:00

I wanna be like Lady gaga. I want her stuff, especially her hair(s).

Just a quick post, Joses just told me that he may not come to Singapore. Well, of course it makes me upset. I've been waiting for July to come, so that he would come, but oh well, I guess I may (not) have to wait for it to come. I just hope he'll get a cheap(er) ticket. :<

Gotta go to shower, skype with baby boy and date with Sidney :>

many things. too much things. uncountable.

2010-05-12T21:04:00.000-07:00

DANGER DANGER. I'M BECOMING LIKE THOSE SUJU FREAKS. WHATEVER. THEY ARE HOTNESS. SHEEZ, I'M MELTING.

KYUHYUUUNNNN IS JUST ADORABLE.

AWW AWW AWW.

DOUBLE HOTNESS. GEEZ.

MOMMY, CAN I HAVE THEM?

END OF BEING FREAKO.
-

YESTERDAY was my baby boy's birthday.
He's nineteen, old. haahaa. Hope he liked the surprise. I love him more than Choi Siwon and Kyuhyun combined together :) Miss him lots. I feel kind of pathetic celebrating via skype. Only if i can meet him............

-

Things have not been going like what I've wanted. Sometimes I just hope that I'm a princess, to be exact, Princess Aurora. All she does is just sleep. Pig. But I do think being her is so much fun than being a student. An O level student. I don't get why they call this O Level, in which O stands for Ordinary. Hello, this is so not ordinary, you're killing me! Exaggeration.

Exams have been okay, except for the fact that I haven't been managing my time well when doing the exam. Read again : when doing the exam, not the preparation. Preparations have been going on well, especially for Add Maths. Satisfied with myself that I have been practising. :) Thank God for today's add maths paper. It was hard, but I've at least attempted without being stressed! Fyi, everytime I had add maths test, I always had this sick feeling, like I want to just run away from the class screaming, looking for an ice cream. TODAY WAS AN EXCEPTION. I hope, tomorrow will just be like today, but easier. :)

I really want to talk about many things that have been going on lately, but I guess, they're just too much and too.. private? Sometimes I just wonder why people question, "Why do you write private things on your blog? Isn't it too obscene?", when the fact is that blog is an internet diary. The world is globalizing, nothing's private now. Especially with the fact that humans nowadays are being too emotional and just wanting the world to know what happen to their lives. Personally, I want to let out my emotional in these words as well. The good thing about blogging is, you can think twice about what you want to type and you can merely press the delete button without seeing its mark. Unlike writing it in a book, there are just marking here and there. And even if you erase it, you can still see the mark. The whole point? I have a choice of thinking twice about writing these. A choice of letting the whole world to know the little detail of my sadness, of my suffering, so that they'll know how much pain I've been going through and feel pity of me. Or a choice of letting people see the happiness I have and how God has been doing a lot of things in my life. A choice of making a difference in people's life.

I love internet. Thanks to whoever who has found this thingy and make those satellites! Thanks to the founder of this blog thingy.

Anyhoo, this afternoon, I saw an old lady holding her (perhaps) momma's hands. The old lady is probably around her 50s while the older lady is probably around her late 70s. Flabbergasted. I guess that word is too strong for a description of my emotion, but I can't think of any other vocabulary to describe it. Seeing them, I just wonder how me and my mom would look like down the road. How we would look like as we age. I've seen my mom ageing for the past 16 years, and yet she's still pretty. Prettier than me. Much. Though often, when people saw me and my mom, they would be surprised knowing that she's my mom, not my older sister. Momma has her wrinkles more defined on her face lately and of course, together with some grey hairs. I miss her. I just hope, one day, I'll be like the lady I saw earlier. No, not in terms of look, I'll be more fashionable than her. But like how she held and took care of her mom. :) Happy ( belated international) momma's day, Mom.

Thank you for scolding me if I spent too much money.
Thank you for still giving me money even though I always overspend.
Thank you for still allowing me to buy my (trivial) needs.
Thank you for working hard for me for the past 16 years.
Thank you for making me Bakmoy, Semur, Bakmoy, Corn Soup, Opor Ayam, Fried chicken, Black souced shrimp and many other food that you always cook for me. Especially soto, the one that you always try to re-cook in order to improve the recipe because I always tell you that it doesn't taste nice.
Thank you for risking your life to give birth to a 3.8kg baby girl, 4.2 kg baby girl and 3.7 kg baby boy. It must have hurt you.
Thank you for............ simply being my mom.

Jessica sayang mama.

Deeper conversation. I want. I need.

2010-05-08T06:30:00.000-07:00

Is your favourite colour blue?
Do you always tell the truth?
Do you believe in outerspace?
And im learning you

Is your skin as tanned as mine?
Does your hair flow sideways?
Did someone took a portion of your heart?
And im learning you

And if you dont mind
Can you tell me
All your hopes and fears
and Everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I’d love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me

I let my guard down for you
And in time you will too

Such a long time since I have one.

Silly.

2010-05-07T03:50:00.000-07:00

silly |ˈsilē|
adjective ( -lier , -liest )
having or showing a lack of common sense or judgment; absurd and foolish : another of his silly jokes | “Don't be silly!” she said.
• ridiculously trivial or frivolous : he would brood about silly things.
• [as complement ] used to convey that an activity or process has been engaged in to such a degree that someone is no longer capable of thinking or acting sensibly : he often drank himself silly | his mother worried herself silly over him.
• archaic (esp. of a woman, child, or animal) helpless; defenseless.

Somebody called me silly when I told him/her that I was actually raising fund for an orphanage, but I don't care.

I should be studying now!
alright, bye!

I LOVE MAC'S PHOTOBOOTH'S STRETCH EFFECT. muahahahahahahahaha.

p.s thank you for those who have supported my "project" in the raising fund. :) LESS THAN THREE YA'LL.

JESSIE IS RAISING FUND.

2010-04-29T22:10:00.000-07:00

Hello people, I am currently raising funds for an orphanage in Batam, Indonesia called Bethseda Orphanage. They don't have any website, so I can't show you. :( So, here I am selling off my 2nd hand clothes for you all. Some are too tight for me now or too short. Well, I grow up. taller and bigger too I guess.

Okay, enough for blahs, for every piece sold, $2 would be donated :) I still have lots of clothes I don't want anymore, but I guess I'm gonna post them some time later.

All prices are in Singapore Dollar S$. Not including normal post : $1.00 for first piece and $0.50 for consecutive items. :) All fits best UK 6 or 8. For more info, email : jessica-bernice@hotmail.com

P.S I've uploaded a handful before. :) hope you can support! click on the FOR SALE tag ->

18.

never been worn.

$16.

19.

worn a few times.

$13.

20.

worn once.

$12

21. (the outer black)

never been worn.

$18.

22. (top)

worn once.

$18.

(SOLD)

23.

worn a few times.

$12.

24.

worn a few times.

$13.

25. (jacket)

worn three times.

$22.

26.

never been worn.

$18

(SOLD)

27. (inner lining not included)

worn once.

$19

28.

worn once.

$23.

Am I That Slow?

2010-04-28T23:16:00.000-07:00

Exam have been a pain in the neck, well, actually not really, but the preparation is, especially Add Maths. I have been struggling lately with Amaths, don't know exactly why I'm slow in processing numbers. Even with people, I have been slow in understanding what they're trying to say. Given it's in English or Indonesian. :/ sometimes people even say "geez, nevermind" or gimme that irritated face. Well, first of all, I'm sorry if I'm slow. and secondly, it hurts when people give those reaction. Sigh.

4 exams down. 10 more to go. :)

JESSIE IS RAISING FUND.

2010-04-24T07:49:00.001-07:00

Okay, enough for blahs, for every piece sold, $2 would be donated :) I still have lots of clothes I don't want anymore, but I guess I'm gonna post them some time later.

01.

worn once.

$ 16

(SOLD)

02.

worn twice.

$16

(SOLD)

03.

worn once.

$16

04.

worn twice.

$ 15 (belt is not included)
(SOLD)

05.

worn once.

$16

(SOLD)

06.

Never been worn.

$23

07.

worn once.

08.

worn a few times.

$13
(SOLD)

JESSIE IS RAISING FUNDS.

2010-04-24T07:23:00.000-07:00

09.

Never been worn before.

$20

10.

Never been worn before.

$23

11.

worn twice.

$13

12.

worn three times.

$ 13

13.

worn a few times.

$ 13.

14.

never been worn.

$20.

15.

never been worn.

$ 20.

16.

never been worn.

$22.

17.

never been worn.

$20.

FOR SALE.

2010-04-06T05:44:00.000-07:00

Hey people,

I recently read SEVENTEEN and it inspires me to sell things I don't need to keep anymore. Like novels and gadgets. Plus, me and my sister have noses that are kind of sensitive to dust, and recommended by the doctor to keep things that can accumulate dust away from our room like books.

so, here are some books I want to sell. Interested? just comment :)

Jodi Picoult - My Sister's Keeper.

The novel is much much much much better than the movie! trust me. I've read and watched em both. Touching and of course, as usual, Picoult's novels are able to grasp our attentions and gripping!

Rate : 9/10

(I cried in the mrt reading this, Haa)

Price : $ 8.00

Usual Price : $ Rp 115 000 (around S$ 18)

Still in a good condition. Don't worry, I'll scratch my name off the book, :D

Jodi Picoult - Nineteen Minutes

Another Picoult's book, which would totally make the readers feel in the role's shoes! No exaggeration. But honestly, I like this one better than My Sister's Keeper that I even finish this 642 pages book in a week. No kidding. It talks a lot about bullying and nowadays society.

Synopsis : A dude shot a number of his school mates as a revenge for being bullied since young.

Rate : 9.5 / 10

A MUST!

Price : $ 8.00

Usual Price : $ 18.00 (more or less, I don't remember, sorry :/ )

Still in a good condition, but I have written my name in pen on the first page. But seriously, a must to read :)

Mitch Albom - For One More Day

Have you read or heard of "Tuesday With Morrie" ? Well, this is one of the author's another great story. About a man who tried to commit suicide, but found his mother who had died eight years earlier. Curious? Read it then :)

Rate : 7.8 / 10

Price : S$ 7.00

Usual Price : $ 16.00

Still in a very good condition with not a single thing written there :P

Mark Haddon - The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night-time

No, I didn't take the picture wrongly, the dog is inverted in the real cover, haa.

Anyway, I LOVE this literature novel to the max. A story about a young boy who tried to solve the mystery. He's a intelligent boy who lives in patterns, rules and diagrams with a 123456789gb memory in his brain that he can remember almost anything in the world. However, in spite of his intelligence, he has no sense of emotion. Well, that makes the novel interesting, especially if you love suspense story :)

Rate : 9.2 / 10

Price : S$ 8.00

Usual Price : S$16.00

Still in a very good condition without a single mark ;)

p.s sorry for the inverted photos, I'm using this photobooth :)

Once upon a boredom.

2010-04-02T05:35:00.000-07:00

Due to feeling fatigue after my drama rehearsal for easter, I decided to go home. After a while, I realise I was getting too bored. So....

came across a thought of doing a set of fashion photos, inspired by many other Indonesian bloggers. Alright, these may seem funny or what, but I love this combination so much. I wasn't initially thinking of wearing these, but when I was trying to pick a pair of jeans, I changed my mind and take this ripped jeans instead. Uh oh, I ripped it myself :) and I know the background is such a "disturbing scene". It shouldn't be how a girl's wardrobe be. But oh well, time doesn't allow me to tidy them up and I guess girls understand why ;).

and, look at what I got yesterday..

Thank you COURTS for holding a massive sale. And nevertheless, thank you Nazihah and Nazihah's mommy for advising me to go to courts, and of course, for teaching me the basic sewing skills :)

I didn't show much of my face because of this long untidy hair. >:O but don't mind, I'm gonna chop them off soon. heehee.

See you, earthlings.

Happy good friday! :)

I've never asked for it.

2010-03-27T07:35:00.000-07:00

"and in the freefall I realise, I'm better off, when I hit the bottom"

For no reason, I want to introduce myself to the world.

I am Jessica Bernice Andrea Jasmine Tan Ai Ling. The name Jessica might be so common, or I'd rather say too common nowadays. I didn't ask my parents for that name. I have a wide forehead with pimples, a not sharp nose, thin hair and huge 2 front teeth. I'm not afraid or ashamed of showing them, in fact I love the fact that I can show to people what imperfection makes beauty.

I have a wide shoulder and fatty arms and thighs. I'm working hard to tone them up and I'm not ashamed of having them as well. I love wearing loose clothes though it makes me look even bigger.

I'm not born in an urban city where I can hang out with my friends to mall or restaurants. In fact, I have never had dinner with my friends in restaurants before in my city, Tegal. Most people may not know where it is and yet I'm proud to be born there.

I don't have a cool friendly father and a mom who gives me bed time stories and serves people drinks and snacks. But I have a determined father and a cool understanding mom. I don't have a sister who's cute, shy and friendly, but I have a sister who's hard working with a brain of 100gb. I don't have a skinny brother with trendy styles, but I have a brother who's protecting and entertaining.

I can't dance, sing well or play instruments, but I can entertain people in some other way, my way.

I can't play basketball, volleyball, tennis, or any other kind of sports, but I can have a long run without stopping.

I don't carry LV, Dior or Burberry, but I carry a priceless smile everywhere I go.

I don't walk in those Louboutin or Kirkwood, but I walk in the belief that my little million dreams will come true.

I'm not covered with classy dresses, but I'm covered with His grace.

You may loath me for not having or having the things I'm born into, with or without. I've never asked for it. If this is what God has given me, then I guess that's for the best.

TRIO MACAN.

2010-03-24T04:48:00.000-07:00

In case you're wondering how my sisters look like, here they are. Well, practically I only have one younger sister, Gabby, but I already think of Abby as my own sissy. :)

Left to right : Abby, Jessie, Gabby.

We were camwhoring that night while trying to imitate some Indonesian's famous cUt13_zSxz poses. Disgust me, us. Honestly, what is wrong with people who have over 20 pictures with these kinds of poses with the same position, place, timing and post them in facebook in the same folder. (which I believe would be liked by tons of 'alay' guys out there). Gross. Lately I also found some GUYS posing these ways in their photos. YUCKS. Seriously, ARE YOU OUTTA YOUR MIND?

What sickens me most is how some people can pose these ways in almost every photos. Potrait, landscape, alone, with 1 person, 2 people, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, etc, ewe. Smile will do, people.

Okay, I shall not comment any further as it may hurt some parties or some parties whose best friends, classmates, schoolmates, cousins, aunty, uncle, or whoever.

Tehee, peace yo.

Seven : Missed.

2010-03-15T03:51:00.000-07:00

Alright, I'm gonna make the sagas for the title seven, haha, random but yeah, just gonna list things I miss, I love and everything else. Rather than talking about my daily activities all the time.

1. Of all the things I miss, he's the dude I've been dying to meet. Sounds so obsessed, but whatever, I miss you mister. Of course, none other than my dear boy, Joses Michael.

Other than miss being sent home and dating, I miss everything about him, except for his long fringe and his habit to open up 2/3 buttons. Oh well, I guess he's changed a lot, especially his look. Sometimes, when I look at the couples in my church or some random couples in the street or even see people with the same shirt or smell with him, I just wanna burst out crying. But oh well, I'm not thick skinned enough to do that and that won't change anything. I will still be here, in Singapore, and he would still be there, in Melbourne. I miss him. In fact, too much.

This was him a year ago. Oh dear, when will I meet him? :'(

2. I miss bathing using 'gayung', I'm not really sure what it is called in english, but yeah, it was the most tiring, traditional and non-efficient way of bathing. And yet, I miss it.

The last time I bath using gayung was last year in my cousin's house. Well, not too long ago but somehow i just miss the feeling of waiting for the tap water to fill half of the 'ember' (which was actually huge paint bin) and waiting for the water in the kettle to boil every morning. You see, I used to live manually and guess what, I surely miss it.

3. I miss having a cycling race with my friends in my hometown. Don't be surprised, I was the only girl and I won. I still remember my very first own bicycle was Polygon (a brand) which cost my mom Rp 600 000, probably around US$ 60 ? Haahaa. Seems cheap, but it was like a treasure to me. I got it when I was primary 2 and I used to ride it almost everyday and in some days, race with Kevin and Ari or somebody else. Oh man, I'm sure that was fun.

4. I miss playing Scooby Doo. No, it's not the dog but the title of the game. I'm still figuring out why the founder of the game called the game scoby doo, but it was the most idiotic and fun game I've ever played in my life.

Reasons being : 1. I have to break a ceramic tile or anything that can be piled.

2. I have to hit my opponent with a tennis ball.

3. I must re arrange the piles.

Well, I can't really describe how the game is played since it's been ages since I last played it. Haahaa, but yeah, I really wanna play it again :(

5. I miss gudeg asin.

it's a food, my hometown's speciality (I guess) and to me, eating that in the morning is like one step closer to heaven. Haahaa. Exaggerating much? but, really. I still remember how every 9am i will receive a food sent by my mom through my maid. Usually, it would be either gudeg or soto or anything nice :( Alright, I should actually just say I miss my lunch delivered to my school for my lunch. :(

6. I miss ordering food with ce ayu and ce Cindy in my very first hostel in Singapore.

We used to order junk food or buy some food near the house and eat it on the floor together. We would have gone crazy by then and I would tease ce Ayu with the guy she was close with. Hmm, I was 12 and they were 16 and 17 and taking their O level. Guess times fly by too fast that now it's my turn to feel the stress of O level. Tsk.

7. I miss my old life. Well, don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying my current life to the fullest, still, but it's just that I miss the smell of 'relaxation' and 'freedom'.

What I mean is, in terms of school or people's expectation on me, or anything else. I miss how free I was to hang out with my friends and play some bowling or jog or do my hobby. Now, I barely can spend 1/24 of my life doing that. :( may be I get to in weekends, but with the thoughts of burdens that I still need to do this or that or burdened by the thoughts of a1 or whatever.

Darn, I shall not groan, alright alright. I must end here. There they are, seven! yey.

P.s going to learn to sew with naz's mommy tomorrow and make some pie with sidney! excited! :)

:)

2010-03-13T03:54:00.000-08:00

: )

pretty girls in pretty dresses.

2010-03-07T07:32:00.000-08:00

oh dear, I hate you all.

Life's never fair. Deal with it.

2010-03-03T23:02:00.000-08:00

"If I walk would you run? If stop would you come? If I say you're the one would you believe me? If I ask you to stay would you show me the way? tell me what to say so you don't leave me."

I know life's never unfair. If she can be pretty, why can't I? If I have money to spend on clothes why can't they afford a single one? If she got a sharp nose with thick hair and eyebrow, why can't I as well? If that angmo can wear sport shoes to the same school as mine, why can't I?

Oh, wait a sec, I'm not racist towards the angmo, it's just that, if we're running under the same rule, why is there an exceptional?

And about life, it is not that I'm pessimist about it. It's just that, sometimes I'm just hoping that some people, including me, can see the goodness of little thing rather than a smaller problem. See the generosity of a person rather than one's hygiene. See one's smile rather than one's pimple or mole or blackheads or whatever there might be in anyone else's faces. It's kinda difficult though, I know. Some people say, if you can't see the good thing about someone, then look for it beneath. If you still can't, then discover it.

discover |disˈkəvər|verb [ trans. ]1 find (something or someone) unexpectedly or in the course of a search
That's the Macbook's dictionary translation for discover. I'm random, I know. But take a look at the word unexpectedly, means? You never predicted it.
And be thankful if you've found one's goodness. Remember it whenever you're mad to him/her. Say it whenever your mouth wants to mock him/her.
And et cetera.

Okay, this is the most random post ever. I'm watching WITCH YOO HEE, recommended by Joses. Kinda funny though. Cao.

Ms Yu, Mister.

2010-03-02T06:38:00.001-08:00

Oh, after ages, Joses finally uploaded the pictures from his baby girl SLR last night. I loveeeee the pictures though I was not even in half of the whole photos, haahaa, or possibly quarter. Nonetheless, still, I treasure them much.

Joyce.Gary.Joses.Jessie.

waiting for Justin the barber.

Tadaaaa. La Roux much?

Fave oneeeeee so far. The haunted route which J always refused to take, haahaa.

I love and miss my baby Joses badly. :(

Anyway, 2 months of the year have past, leaving another 10 months to go and another 8 months till the end of the torturing of O's. Oh well, I probably shouldn't exaggerate that much, but really I just can't wait for the nightmare to pass and have a descent holiday without having the encumbrance recalling which homeworks I should do first or bothering about the impacts of globalisation. Sigh. Surprisingly, in the other hand, I've been getting used to staying back in school till dawn just to study or do homeworks and stuff. Well, may be groanings may have come along here and there, but telling myself, "last year in Singapore" have been a beneficial encouragements. Haa. And of course, with some 'fuels' from J and God's presence, I was able to cope with the stress bit by bit :)

gotta get some rest.

Cheers.

Lost.

2010-02-23T05:21:00.000-08:00

"As many times as I blink, I think of you tonight" - Vanilla Twilight, Owl City.

Dear Juniors,
You're all loud, act cute, act smart, act cool and sucks. Yes, I hate you all dudes.
Dang it, because of the very responsible juniors who come regularly for library cca every week, well if you're smart enough it's actually just a sarcasm, and yes, mrs cross held a so-called meeting for the librarians this noon and ask us for the exact day we'll be doing for duty.
And the lovely cuties took their duties on Friday in which I can't go to no matter how much I tried to persuade mrs cross that as the senior citizen of the school who'll be having her Olvl this year can't make any of the days except for the precious friday. So yes, I got wednesday. Thanks Juniors, you'll suck.

And oh well, somehow I just felt that I need a room of my own for me to regain some peace as I realise my current room is never an inconvinient place for me to study. My sister would play Korean drama songs while Abby would play a Paramore songs.
Kool. Then I'm stuck, brain drain. Couldn't concentrate. But, thanks to God, my guardian somehow allows me to use the free room downstairs for me to study. Oh yeah.

Anw, kinda sad and emotional these days. A lot of times I just don't feel I'm any more important than his bunch of friends. Or may be this is just because of fatigue which has made me feel this way. Yes I'm jealous. :(
Am I? I don't know. I'm not sure.
Been angry this noon cause of the hot weather and the blackberry messanger which just didn't cooperate well. Sigh.

gotta get some rest.
Smile, Jessie.

P.s I want Marche and "DearJohn" and sleep and waking up in November 12.

Vanilla Twilight, Not.

2010-02-21T03:42:00.000-08:00

"I look at my hand and feel sad. Cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly"

In love with another owl city's songs, vanilla twilight! well, not really because of the tunes nor the voice but the lyrics. But oh well, guess the song doesn't really fit me right now. Nor to anyone to me. Darn, what am I talking about. Okay, stop it, moron.

Oh yes, I never am a great model. Haa, these are taken for Stephanie's blogshop : www.collective-muse.blogspot.com go check it out :)

3 more weeks to another holiday! oh yes, I love this multi racial country for having so much holidays. Tehee. Not gonna write much, should be doing my homeworks by now. Geez. I hate that Cat. I've never had so much english homeworks before in my life. -_- and yes, I'm learning how to play guitar now. Thanks to Joses who kindly gives his guitar. Thanks dude. Appreciate it much.

Cao.

False love and affection.

2010-02-16T21:14:00.000-08:00

Till now, I still don't get the reasons why I hate living in Singapore so much that every time I'm back here from Indonesia, I feel that I have no life. Well, I love the people, the environment, the shopping malls, the friends here, but at times, I just don't feel right living here. Like, I don't belong here?

Okay, Chinese New Year ended. No more feast. No more ang baos. Today, a celebration held in my school and seriously, I had so much fun, even though I was perspiring like hell. And holy ox, not to show off, but I'm proud of my works and ideas which I've put. And this, I guess, is the last chinese new year celebration in school. Glad, that I won't watch the same performance again and again, but sad there won't be anymore of this at the same time as well.

Valentine's day?

nothing much. I gave my boy a box of handmade chocolates and some other stuff. He loves or likes it. And that's all that matters to me.

Even pretty can be seen by the blind.

2010-01-28T23:51:00.000-08:00

"Avoiding confrontation, lacks tacks in situation. Behind every line there's a lesson to learn"

shoots taken by ci Stephanie for her blogshop :

School has been wearing out my energy, since there's been a lot of remedials and extra lessons here and there. Oh God, take me outta here.

There's even extra lesson on Saturday now, oh gosh, what a kiaxu school.

Nothing much to say, gotta run to shoo away this stress.

Bye, earthlings.

p.s I'm sorry.

the spoken words, they're the voice of someone else.

2010-01-23T07:22:00.000-08:00

I've heard just too much informations today, way too much that anytime soon my brain can burst out. And all I wish, I'll just have a brainwash or amnesia so that I can forget everything, like nothing has happened. But I'm lucky enough to actually know about these and those. Don't know why, but it somehow solves my riddles which have been hanging around my mind.
Oh Lord, take away this thoughts, I don't wanna know this, I never wished I have.
It sucks that my Maci is spoilt and I just can't upload pictures. Darn it.

I hate saying this, I regret.

Distance? Sure it is a long one.

2010-01-14T01:01:00.000-08:00

Hi people, been such a crazy week and days and hours and minutes and seconds, I can't believe that Joses isn't here with me anymore in Singapore. It was Saturday evening that I fetched him in the airport, the next thing I know I sent him off to airport. However, that was the most jubilant though yet wearing out week with him. Never been this delighted before. Though we didn't have much time to spend together, I'm glad enough to see him :) I'm not sure when I'll meet him again. He left this noon and I cried like hell, though I had challenged Daniel and others that I won't cry. Nevertheless, a very special gratitude to D, Joyce and Gary for being present to cheer me up. :)

Oh well, days have been very odd since the first day of school since my routine's changing drastically. The weekends that were used to be crammed with activities with Joses and friends are changed to tuition and schoolwork and extra class. New year, new life, uh?

No matter what, I'm still living my life to the fullest. :) After looking at the year schedule for this year and counting, my O level will end at exactly 10 months and 2 days. Haahaa, yey! 2010 will be a fast year, real fast, much better than last year, more jovial than last year too :)

Gotta study now. Cya, :)

Fireflies.

2010-01-07T21:44:00.000-08:00

You would not believe your eyes

If ten million fireflies

Lit up the world as I fell asleep

'Cause they'd fill the open air

And leave teardrops everywhere

You'd think me rude

But I would just stand and stare

I'd like to make myself believe

That planet Earth turns slowly

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay

Awake when I'm asleep

'Cause everything is never as it seems

'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs

From ten thousand lightning bugs

As they tried to teach me how to dance

A foxtrot above my head

A sock hop beneath my bed

A disco ball is just hanging by a thread

I'd like to make myself believe

That planet Earth turns slowly

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay

Awake when I'm asleep

'Cause everything is never as it seems

When I fall asleep

Leave my door open just a crack

(Please take me away from here)

'Cause I feel like such an insomniac

(Please take me away from here)

Why do I tire of counting sheep

(Please take me away from here)

When I'm far too tired to fall asleep

To ten million fireflies

I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes

I got misty eyes as they said farewell

But I'll know where several are

If my dreams get real bizarre

'Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar

I'd like to make myself believe

That planet Earth turns slowly

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay

Awake when I'm asleep

'Cause everything is never as it seems

When I fall asleep

I'd like to make myself believe

That planet Earth turns slowly

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay

Awake when I'm asleep

'Cause everything is never as it seems

When I fall asleep

I'd like to make myself believe

That planet earth turns slowly

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay

Awake when I'm asleep

Because my dreams are bursting at the seams

I guess that clearly says about me now. I love the song, though I kinda hate it the first time I heard the song since it sounds like the singer wants to sleep or what. except the part when it says "i'm weird" when I don't think I'm not. I hate to be called weird. I hate the word weird.

can't believe I fell in love with justin bieber's favourite girl song. I wonder if a boy will ever truly say that to a girl, to me. "you're not my runner up, you're number one". well, i doubt.

Did I grow up according to plan, Dad? I don't think so.

2009-12-29T22:54:00.000-08:00

My dad scolded me twice today because :

1. My godawful terrible performance last semester. - Oh well, it was the second time he scolded me about that.

2. I can't be his little piece of little girl who wakes up early in the morning, have a good laugh with him and not going out anywhere - stays at home with books everywhere. As if she ain't got any friends.

Damn it, what am I talking about? I hate to admit that sometimes, I just have to have this goatdamn pokerface in front of my dad. I don't seem to comprehend what's his intention mocking me everyday. Making me ashamed of myself. "Schooling in Singapore is supposed to make you smarter, not like this" What's that? what's that? Okay, I should not continue this post any longer before I somehow shed another useless trivial tear.

p.s I never hate my father, nor dislike him. I just wanna let go of my anger. :'(

Running in a circus all the time.

2009-12-28T07:30:00.000-08:00

Homeworks have been haunting me these past few days. School's around the corner, I know that, and pathetically, I don't have any mood for school, nor holiday. Too bored by these non-new holiday but also too frightened by the fact that I'm stepping into secondary 4 soon. O level. Sigh. But the good news, it's gonna be my, hopefully, last 11 months in Singapore. The time i've been waiting for - new habitat, new inhabitants around me, new experience.

Those are photos taken a few days back after christmas, to celebrate my aunt's birthday :) well, that was my very first christmas at my hometown, I forgot where I spent the other 14 christmas days, but it was a nice one, for I can spend it with my family.

And I'm really afraid that my new year will be spent in a horrendous way like the years before.

2006 - 2007 : Sleeping at my hostel.

2007 - 2008 : At the bus stop waiting for Bus 14.

2008 - 2009 : Tennis court.

2009 - 2010 : . . .

i hope something better. or at least good. :) haahaa, okay, i'm still missing my dear boy. Hoping he's all right now and have a safe flight now, on his way back home :) what a miserable feeling for not knowing exactly when I'll be meeting him :(

Alright, gotta have some rest now.

cheers.

2009

2009-12-21T21:39:00.000-08:00

( ) stayed single for the whole year

( ) made out in/on a car

( ) kissed in the snow

(x) celebrated Halloween

( ) kissed in the rain

(x) had your heart broken

(x) broke someone else’s heart

(x) had a stalker

(x) went over the minutes on your cell phone

(x) had a good relationship with someone

( ) someone questioned your sexual orientation

( ) gotten pregnant

( ) had an abortion

(x) have a relationship with someone you’ll never forget

(x) done something you’ve regretted

(x) lost faith in love

( ) kissed under a mistletoe

OTHER

(x) painted a picture

( ) wrote a poem

(x) ran a mile

( ) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch

(x) posted a blog

(x) listened to music you couldn’t stand

( ) went to a sleepover

( ) went camping

( ) threw a surprise party

(x) laughed till you cried

( ) laughed till you peed in your pants

( ) visited a foreign country

(x) cut in a line of waiting people

(x) told someone you were busy when you weren’t

(x) partied to celebrate the new year

(x) cooked a disastrous meal

(x) lost something/someone important to you

In 2009 I…

(x) broke a promise

(x) lied

(x) went behind your parents back

( x) cried over a broken heart

( x) disappointed someone close

(x) hid a secret

(x) pretended to be happy

( ) slept under the stars

( ) kept your new years resolution

(x) forgot your new years resolution

(x) met someone who changed your life

( ) met one of your idols

(x) changed your outlook on life

(x) sat home all day doing nothing

(x) pretended to be sick

(x) left the country

( ) almost died

(x) given up something important to you

( ) lost something expensive

(x) learned something new about yourself

(x) tried something you normally wouldn’t try and liked it

(x) made a change in your life

( ) found out who your true friends were

( ) met great people

( ) stayed up til sunrise

( ) Cried over the silliest thing

( ) was never home on weekends

(x) got into a car accident

(x) had friends who were drifting away from you

(x) had someone close to you die

(x) had a high cell phone bill

(x) spent most of your money on food

( ) had a fist fight

( ) went to the beach with your best friend

( ) saw a celebrity

(x) gotten sick

( ) liked more than 5 people at the same time

( ) became closer with a lot of people